If He Was In Front Of Me...this Is Some Of What I Want To Say

As stupid as it may sound, but at this point what does it matter because you think I'm crazy anyway, I neded you. Not just wanted you but I needed you, whether it be as a lover or a friend, I needed you to be there for me. I needed you to actually care and give a damn that I was hurt, was hurting, was being a female and emotional. My heart was crushed by sooooo many things.....work, my family, you, friends (o yeah what friends....because every birthday I become more aware that I really don't have any friends). And I'll say this yet again, not your problem, mine. So, why am I writing you my problems? I really don't know.....just to vent them to somebody who might care a small bit, to put a little guilt on you for everything? I really don't know. We are all human, do selffish things and maybe it's a little of both, none of either or both plus more.

It started as a game for both of us. The thing is at first you knew that you were engaged, I didn't. When I found out, I felt stupid, like I feel right now, but then I said **** it, I'll play for a little, what harm will it do. Well, it did a lot, but I guess only to me it did, because you were able to just move on, not give a **** about me. You did what you had to do for you. I totally understand that, but where did it put me? You did nothing to try to help or protect me, at least thats how I see it. To you, it's just a job, a game, nothing serious. There are not many jobs out there, especially paying descent money. You took the job, and forgot all about me. You didn't car eto keep in contact for any reason what so ever. You didn't care to try to get me a job. You didn't acre to learn anything from me....just use me. But I allowed that because I didn't want to face that I really am stupid and pathetic. Because I really do see in you a person who cares, who is very intelligent and talented. Who can be a great person if he only give a **** about others besides himself. But I guess that's you. And you at least right at this point and time can only think about yourself.

I thought you would hold to your word when you said you would come back for me. I guess I thought you would actually miss me, for being me. For being intelligent yet flakey, for having a lot of passion, for knowing my job. I guess I thought you would help me as much as you could, because it's the right thing to do. Not look the other way, not to just abandon me. Not to give a damn if I was getting it, doing well, getting ****** or any of that. I guess I expected that owed me in a way for all that I did for you. My mistake.

So I said I needed you. I did, I still could use you from time to time, but I'm being selffish now, if I can't have all of you then it hurts to damn much and stay the **** away. I needed you. I needed you to care, to hold me because I was scared, to hold me because I was hurting, because I was upset, I was hurt. To just listen to me vent because I trusted you. To just listen to me vent because I cared what you thought. See, eventhough you didn't care about me in a personal relationship I did, I also put you in the best of friends catagory and respected what you said and thought and for any help you might be able to give me...even if it was just to sat "breath."

DO you have any idea what it's like when you have nobody to vent to, to ask opinions of, to help when you actually need some help? Do you know what it's like to have people around you who act like your friend, but when it comes down to it, when you need to cry, to ask for advise nobody is there for you? Advise, is just somebody elses perspective because sometimes you are soooo overwhelmed you can't see whats right in front of you, let alone what's behind or to the right /left of you. A suggestion of how to handle things. To be surrounded by people that you know as soon as you have a problem they find something else to do, yet when they need some help they are asking you. Surrounded by soooo many one sided people.

I spent my birthday alone, yet again. The past couple of yrs I thought, I had hoped that somebody would do something nice for me, surprise me, and no nothing. So this yr I expected nothing and got nothing. I did receive some birthday wishes thru text and FB and my children actually called (only had to remind1 of them..lol). I even had some that I expected to remember on my bday not and send me belated wishes. Ok, it's nice these people did this. I brought myself out to dinner, I bought my own present....I did not get anything from anybody. Now that is pathetic. Nobody even wanted to spend any time with me.....so I don't know how to look at that. I really do think that I'm a good person, I do for others, I am a little odd from most but I really do think that that's how I am and I don't try to be somebody I'm not. I'm pretty true to myself and really don't **** over others. AT least I don't think I do. Yet I'm alone. Nobody really wants to spend time with me, nobody wants to hear or share my ups and downs. So, why am I alone? Why does nobody care even just a little? Why????

I love to help other as much as I can, I love to be dorky stupid (that's just how I am), I love to be held by those I trust (you and a few others :) I love to be smart, figure out things, make a difference. I love to dance, I love to shop, I love to swim, cuddle up on the couch, eat popcorn and watch a chick flick. I love to chat on the phone with friends (but thats right I don't really have any of those, used to, but then I moved and life went on). I love to watch people, see how they interact with each other, I love to enjoy life and all that it brings, the ups an dthe downs....yes the downs suck, especially when you can't seem to stay out of the downs for any length of time, but I still enjoy life. But the down side to that is that I've been in sooooo many downs over the past few yrs that I've come to realize that it really means nothing and it doesn't matter. People come and go in your life and you really should charish all of them for what they bring to you, but of late, I can't see anymore what they have brought me or what I've brought them. Most people right now only care of themselves and **** everybody else....O yeah, that's how you've been to me. We are not friends, we are not lovers we are nothing. You still mean a lot to me because you did bring a lot to me, but I guess I ment nothing to you because you didn't even want to keep me as a friend
jrabbit1321 jrabbit1321
46-50, F
Jul 18, 2010