Back From Siena

I miss you and had a meltdown last night. Siena was lovely till the ride home became quite stressful,getting lost and GPS not functioning. It's a story for another time. I basically told Jim that I coudn't live anymore the way we have been and maybe we aren't right for each other anymore. I told him someone else would be better for him and that it wasn't good for either of us. He was at a loss for words and said he was too old to start again and that he didn't want to. I told him that I was not too old and looked forward to many more years of a healthy and happy lifestyle.

Ali keeps telling Jim how lucky he is that he has me and that I am the prize etc. (She is very loving and kind and has grown very fond of me I guess.) When she says this to him he says nothing at all. If you were here I know you would smile and give me a hug or something. At least you would ackowledge the kindness. I really don't know where our lives will lead us at this point.

You and I are at very different points in our lives. You are interested in making a go at work and to be honest I like to be productive but I am more interested in improving my emotional life right now. I hope I am not holding you back from your discovery of this new adventure of yours.

I also know that Jim is in touch with his former life that hurt me so much but I don't know to what extent. I am so neutral about this right now but I would like to get to the bottom of it so I have a compass point. I am sorry to bother you with all this but I do need to tell someone and you are it!

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You are not bothering me!!

Wow...so much in so few words but let me have a go at it.

It's really not my place to inject myself in the middle of you and Jim on this because I am not an objective party. You know a little of how I feel about you and I could be so very much more.

Please stop about being at different points in our lives because we're at different points in our careers; THAT'S OK! When you return, you will come back to a newer and more improved me. I'll handle the work side because I realized many things while I was away. I had long and introspective conversations with Sally and I KNOW she has my back, loves and respects me and wants me to grow. Let me be the one to take care of things. You have to continue your walks, exercising and massages. We will time-block (to use a shop-worn KW term) to spend quality time together to talk and assess things, whether they are work-related or not.

I must be brutally honest. I was so sad when you told me you didn't love me enough to be with me; I thought that was YOUR fault. This time away made me realize that it's ME who has to be the man I was meant to be if I ever had a chance to be yours. I have no control over you, just me, so this trip I took allowed me to focus on me and how I would improve. I was as happy and excited as I was saddened by how daunting a task it is.

Lia, if you will accept nothing else, please know how special you are to me. I had to let you go and it's been amazingly difficult to keep it together, to ache without pain, to cry without tears. When you return, I will be here and waiting for you. I know your travels have changed you and if you feel there is no certainty, remember I am here with open arms and an open heart.

Please try not to be sad...I love you and miss you as much as you can possibly imagine.
letters2lia letters2lia
51-55
Sep 22, 2012