The Battle...

"Tell me when it's safe to look"
I hear the bustle of people outside the door, and answer "Don't worry....I will"
.
"You know, you've really gone and done it now, don't you?" she asks, her small child's voice quivering with fear.

"Did I have any choice?" I remain extremely calm, taking in all things.  The physical surroundings, the presence of "people", and most of all,  the welfare of those in my charge, demanding exorbitant amounts of concentration.
"He cannot be allowed to take us for granted...to make us "less than"."

"What the hell is wrong with you????????!!!!!!!"

 The angry voice of desperation demands my attention...poste haste...for they all must be made to remain calm..to let me take care of everything.  And there are so many different things to consider....so many different needs to be met, and egos to be soothed.  I struggle to keep my composure, for that is what will serve my purposes....anger will only throw fuel on an already spreading fire.  

"And what would you have done differently?" I ask, letting the realization sink in.  There was nothing else TO be done....and that must be made apparent.  We all have suffered greatly at his hands....the hands of the man charged with out welfare.  

"What will we do?"

 " We can't make it without him."

"Oh, God.......he will leave us here to rot,now....you know that don't you?"

"NO," I reassure, "he won't.  He feels too guilty."

"He says he'll still take care of us." comes the small voice of hope.

"Yes...and we can trust every promise , can't we?"  cynicism dripping from the words.

"It doesn't matter."  I say, "He will be here.....and we have no choice."  

"It really doesn't help that you're always complaining...making trouble for him."

"Really?" I ask.  "And what , pray tell,   would you do?" ,  knowing there was no answer forthcoming.  

I look around at my  charges....faces fallen, hope almost gone.  The frightened little girl, afraid of being abandoned... the carefree optimist, her certainly of promises being kept, dashed...the angry feminist, her warnings of betrayal now made real...the lofty romantic, crushed beyond belief, her heart in tatters.  They, and all the rest, looking to me for guidance.  And so I stay strong.  I am the pragmatist, the warrior.  I look at all possibilities, gather all the evidence on which to make my decision.  And I know what I have to do.  

"We will go on as if nothing happened." I announce.  The faces looking to me for wisdom, look back at me with amazement.  

"How can you say that?"

"You know it'll be the same!"

"He'll leave, anyway....you know he will."

"His words mean nothing...less than nothing!!"

"Yes." I say quietly. "You're right.  But what choice do we have?"

"Well, don't blame me when it blows up in our faces!"

"No...if we fail, the failure will be mine."  I concede.  "You all sit here, crying, yelling, fuming....wallowing in your own hell, and I am left to pick up the pieces.  Now, if any one of you thinks you can do a better job, I beg you.....PLEASE........tell me another plan."

Silence.

"Yes....just as I thought." I am once again the undisputed leader.   Silence now surrounds us...and permeates the air.  I know that I take an awful chance with all of our lives.  And yet, I see no other option.  My charges look to me for answers, count on me for guidance, and I had failed them...misjudging our benefactor  so egregiously .  And the depth of my failure stares at me from all their faces.  I am not as sure as I try to sound, but I must choose a coarse.  Standing still is not a possibility.

I stand , look around me at the empty room and steel myself to re enter the fray.  All of the "me's" screaming at me to "RUN!!" , I smooth my hair and take a deep breath.  I reach for the doorknob, and  a shudder runs down my spine.  I open the door, and walk, headlong, into certain agony....but.....it's all I can do.......



lonesurvivor lonesurvivor
56-60, F
3 Responses Jul 20, 2010

The setting sounds apropos, IT...thanks for taking the time to read my story...<br />
<br />
xoxo

Thank you ,Tiger...I love you..<br />
<br />
xoxoxoxoxo

My darling, this is an excellent story! It tells of your inner conflicts, your confusion, your panic - all. I love the story, yet i hate that i am the inspiration - at least that what i have done to all of you is the cause. Regardless, i love it, for it tells me more about you. <br />
<br />
Your Donny<br />
xoxoxoxoxo