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I Give, And Give.
Posted November 18th, 2010 at 5:25PM
So much heart ache n hard times have I been through..So many nights do I lay awake in bed..wondering
about when everything will makes sense again. I used to have so much, and I cared so little, and now the
little that I have, is all I care about. My heart is heavy, and I'm afraid to love. I don't want a promise, or
"forget-me-nots". I just want to keep what I have…I'm asked to constantly give, and give, and give..and
when I ask to please keep for myself, what I hold dear. It seems to always be in the favor of the greater
good that I let go. How can I?..This is my hard time. Its now that I need what makes me happy in the
midst of the world around me. I'm not allowed to have a say, I want to scream and yell and kick and
fight, but my hands and legs have coarse rope rapped around them..and with a stern face and an iron
fist, I'm told to keep quiet. I want to cry until I have no tears left, and my mind is blank and my heart is
empty. I love so much, but all I feel is hatred. I understand that what is "love" to one person, may be
foolishness to another. But at least I respect it. I don't know what to do..I don't know how to
feel..whether it be guilty for not wanting to help, or sadness for losing what I love.. So many times have I
been asked to give, and I've done so willingly. All I want now is to hold on..and it seems like my fingers
are being pried apart . I don't want to ask "why", because the answer has no meaning. I wish to be
lifeless, and cold, and tolerant of life as I know it, until I can do better. I want to forget what I should
remember, and remember what I want to forget. Only then can this hurt makes sense, only then can I
tolerate it with a smile on my face. Because if I forget happiness, then pain will come easy, and I will
welcome the bondage that I feel today..I just hope that if I do get a chance to "have", because I don't
asked to "receive"; that when I "give" it will be willingly, and that maybe we can "share"
about when everything will makes sense again. I used to have so much, and I cared so little, and now the
little that I have, is all I care about. My heart is heavy, and I'm afraid to love. I don't want a promise, or
"forget-me-nots". I just want to keep what I have…I'm asked to constantly give, and give, and give..and
when I ask to please keep for myself, what I hold dear. It seems to always be in the favor of the greater
good that I let go. How can I?..This is my hard time. Its now that I need what makes me happy in the
midst of the world around me. I'm not allowed to have a say, I want to scream and yell and kick and
fight, but my hands and legs have coarse rope rapped around them..and with a stern face and an iron
fist, I'm told to keep quiet. I want to cry until I have no tears left, and my mind is blank and my heart is
empty. I love so much, but all I feel is hatred. I understand that what is "love" to one person, may be
foolishness to another. But at least I respect it. I don't know what to do..I don't know how to
feel..whether it be guilty for not wanting to help, or sadness for losing what I love.. So many times have I
been asked to give, and I've done so willingly. All I want now is to hold on..and it seems like my fingers
are being pried apart . I don't want to ask "why", because the answer has no meaning. I wish to be
lifeless, and cold, and tolerant of life as I know it, until I can do better. I want to forget what I should
remember, and remember what I want to forget. Only then can this hurt makes sense, only then can I
tolerate it with a smile on my face. Because if I forget happiness, then pain will come easy, and I will
welcome the bondage that I feel today..I just hope that if I do get a chance to "have", because I don't
asked to "receive"; that when I "give" it will be willingly, and that maybe we can "share"
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