Impotent Rage Or 25+ Years Of Hell Ongoing

I have not written a poem in years. This is more prose really..perhaps...unsure. It does'nt rhyme and it's not about beauty and will not mean anything to anyone but myself I think. Just an indulgence of bandwidth and self pity.

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Do not utter his name.
Do not wound me with his word.
Do not breathe upon the quivering mass of nerves that is the rest of me.
Please do not enjoy the searing pain of your power.

Is it not enough that he taunts me in my dreams ?
The nightmare of my reality,
has become the nightmare of my subconscious fantasy.

He has taken my life, my children, my health,
and now my very future
so that I shall never forget or escape
his insipid laughter
at my position in default.

He is a yes man, a charmer,
a liar, a rapist, a thief,
and anything he wishes you to perceive.
A master manipulator.

He has stricken me from my own children's futures
with a lie of suave velvet and a smile.

I will never see my own child's wedding.
Oblivious and uncaring of those things
that cannot be changed.
Things engraved in the pathways of my mind
by the very one who will witness those events
in which he has no right
through action and inaction.

The pain continues.
It is even better than he hoped.
Impotent rage for the attrocities real
that will never know expression
lest I offend my offender.

I am fine, thank you.
It's ok.
I understand.
I prefer it this way.
Really.

bitterdregs bitterdregs
46-50, F
7 Responses Jul 21, 2010

hey thanks for reading, beachpixie ad hatter :o)

You just touched my soul and spoke the words of my dispair so eliquently. Become mighty with the pen, regain your strenght to see that you will be in your kids future and expose the true colors of one who doesn't deserve them, karma comes around and you'll be there to answer their call.....It's hard to live half a life, I know......

McKuen's "Seasons in the Sun" actually wasn't prose poetry, it was the #1 hit song by singer Terry Jacks in the early 70's. McKuen himself "transcribed" much of his poetry (especially his prose poetry) to audio recordings backed by music, I can highly recommend "The Sky", with The San Sebastion Strings. As far as I know, they're only on vinyl, but I've converted 3 or 4 albums to .wmv's and have them on CD.<br />
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The publisher for "Nostalgia of the Unknown" is Necronomicon Press. If they're still in business, they may have reprinted it. I say "surviving prose poetry" because Smith's cabin was burned by developers in the 50's who wanted to buy his property overlooking the river to build an expensive subdivision, and it's only a chapbook with about 30 - 40 poems. Also by Necronomicon Press is his epic prose poem "The Hashish Eater", VERY hard to find, and printed in an eye-unfriendly small blue font, but a hell of a read.<br />
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Funny you should mention Poe. He and Bierce had a massive influence on Smith. And "Anabel Lee" is the only poem my mother knows by heart.

Thank you Formerly. I think I will try to obtain ' Nostalgia of the Unknown' and some of the others you mention. I've never read much real poetry. Dr. Seuss and Shel Silverstein not withstanding LOL I can recite The Raven by heart though.

Robinson Jeffers, the Poet Laureate of California (if he's still alive), and in my opinion the greatest Poet Laureate of California- Clark Ashton Smith, both wrote pose poetry, as does Rod McKuen (Seasons in the Sun, Stanyon Street, etc.) Smith's surviving prose poems have been collected into a wonderful (out-of-print) book called "Nostalgia of the Unkown".<br />
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Not only is this poetry, but quite good poetry; conveying a rage nuanced despair. I especially enjoyed the "just **** it" final stanza, it fit the poem together with a great unexpected twist.

I did'nt think anybody would read it. many write poetry, almost nobody wants to read it. I used to write volumes until they sat long enough, unread, and when read, not understood. I just stopped.<br />
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For some reason today I became angry enough I guess and this just started coming. My daughter can be a tad insensitive and she said some things that were innocent, I hope, on her part not realizing the effect it would have on me. I hav'nt seen her in years. The PTSD that I have came from many things, but her father is the foremost torrmenter in my life...which is really bad if you knew my life LOL Just the mention of his name can set me into horrible panic attacks and bouts of depression. It starts the dreams...and all last night I drempt of him and it was not pleasant. Especially in lieu of everything else that is going on.<br />
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Thank you for reading this. It helps. :o)

Wow, that was powerful! You're really very good... the raw, honest nature of this piece is inspiring.