The Grueling Pace Of Denying Pain.

The Grueling pace of Denying Pain.

I remember when I found you it was a cold winter.
I had just moved out of the snow into a much warmer place.
like a bird flying south for the winter.
My true home was always to the north.
But I Dealt with you.
Even though I never felt quite right.
I Found something there I Will always cherish.

But I lost a piece of myself that day
that I've all but forgotten about.
My capacity to feel for someone that is too much like me

I spent 3 years of my life telling you
at every possible moment that I loved you.
I Don't know how long it took me to realize that
I Actually meant it.
But it was before me somewhere in the 9th
year I had slaved away.

When it all hit me I Wanted you so badly.
I Don't remember much of what I Felt
but I Remember it was intense.
you were able to write away my deepest
depression in a matter of seconds
and all that mattered was you.

it was sweet.
Years withered away.
You found someone that could satisfy you more
immediately and I Tried to do the same.
I wasn't able to hide you from her and live with myself.
I Should have just left you to keep her

I Think it was about finding revenge for what you
did, but when I found emotion for another.
Guilt overwhelmed me, 
even when I tried to eat I Found I could not
because I was too guilty.
It was Her, or starve.
I had to do it
I Told her

She of course withered away
and learned to replace her love
with her hate

I tried to tell you so many times
that I Shouldn't of ever have done it
and neither should you.
We worked too well together and I simply
loved you too much to allow it to happen again

Somehow the thought of keeping things
closed was never going to last.
It was completely unrealistic to expect it.

I remember when things started to fall apart
I Would sometimes shake all day and cry myself to sleep.
I was mentally unable to stop thinking about it
and you shut me out, you refused to speak to me because
you were tired of pampering me

It's hard for me to explain just
how I Was abused because it hurts so much
that I can't even really talk about it.
I've taken a vow of silence about you and
though I've tried to express just how deeply you hurt me
The harder I look the deeper it goes.
And today I was reminded of just what you had done to me
And It ripped right under my flesh and turned me inside out.
Though the situation was not the same and I Was the one in the wrong.
It's horrible to think your family could have such a cruel revenge, 
even if it was unintentional.

I Would spend all day waiting to talk to you, 
so that I Could fixes things because I knew they
would work out if I Could just talk to you.
I tried to explain why I Didn't want to let you go.
You couldn't take it.
I was betrayed.
How can you say that you don't feel sorry inside?

I remember your words like you would
remember the scent of burning flesh.
if you had been alive during those times.

"I'm tired of taking care of you.
You need to solve your own problems or
find someone else who will.
I will not listen to this anymore.

I Have tried for a little over a year to forget the vividness of how I would shiver, and shake violently into the night, sleepless nights, and how sleep would only come when I was too tired to move.

When you say I caged you like a bird
What exactly do you really mean?
You had the option all along to walk away and leave.
But you never took it
You allowed things to get worse
and for me to want you more and more
until you finally let me go.

The only reason I ever let you go is because
I didn't even have the physical strength
to keep typing my arguments to you.

The amount of pain you dealt me you will never begin to understand.
And when I needed you the most, just to say you're sorry.
You abandoned me and you left me to rot.
You never considered my emotions and you had your own agenda.
Telling me 3 days after we broke up that you would help me so it didn't happen again.
Was hardly a solution to what you had done.
I understand that I Relied on you a little too much
and I used you as a crutch
But Love is being able to go to someone when you are down.
Something you never gave me the choice to do...

I was betrayed...
How can you say that you don't feel sorry inside?
ManifestoOfThePhoenix ManifestoOfThePhoenix
31-35, M
3 Responses Nov 18, 2011

I feel you dude, i feel you.You should just STAY with the other girl.Really.

this was 2003...mate

I was over my Ex a LONG time ago. but I saved this poem and reposted it.

I think i fell for a person just like you described.We were just too alike, he acted like he was the one in most emotionally pain but he was capable of betrayal(lies, manipulation) etc of many forms, i have seen from his pals, however we were not together though (thank god).And i just learnt that it was just in his nature to love pampering.Btw, mind if i ask, how did she betray you?

i was there for her time after time and she acted like I used her like a crutch because she wanted my intellect but when I Fell apart emotionally I needed her and that was too much for her to take. After time after time. I grew distant, for only maybe 6 months to play this stupid video game and never gave me an ultamatium to quit playing it . Just acccused me of having lost track of the small stuff and basically walked out because COLLEGE was starting nad I Was NOT Local I was in florida to her north carolina. Wanted to be touched, held, ******. I was 16 with no realistic way of moving for her and was absolutely helpless to give her what she needed. She was 2 years older than me and we'd talked almost every day for 3 ******* years and I had been there for her more times that i could count but when I went into my depressive state towards the end of our relationship she accused me of using her like a crutch because apparentally i was great intellectual stimulation but the emotions? my heart? my suffering? she didn't care.

So she left you because of a video game?O.O.And what did the other guy offer her?

Oh yah and what did she need.That you could not provide?

left me because I was too addicted ot an online game ot give her attention for all of 6 months. There was no other dude. For awhile. she wanted freedom to find him.

sex? Actual real physical touch?

She wanted actual real physical touch from you?Or you were that one that wanted it?Wow, i thought only guys want it physical.

Wait wait, so what did you need that she could not provide.And what did she need that you could not provide?I am a little confused lol.

oh yeah. she dumped me so she could have sex. pretty real life.

WHAT???Ok then dude i am on the same boat as ya.What is she, an animal -.-?

you are in the same boat I was in what? 7 8 years ago? sucks.

If you said it was you who wanted physical at least i could understand but she is a SHE, not a he.Where did her testerone come from?Lol.

I fell for a guy who is like your ex, but we were not together.The similarities and the connection was scary.He "seemed" like he was in great pain.But how can someone who leaves so easily be in great pain to someone he claimed to cared for alot?But still i think what mattered to him most was good touch.Sighs, unlucky me.

I just found out I have a new girlfriend today so it's really strange to be talking about such a long dead issue.

Such issues are to remind you not to make the same mistakes again in case she pops up in your mind again.So it is not that bad.But this happened to you not too long for me, like two years ago untill now(still ongoing), i am now 18, so yeah i was 16 at that time, JUST LIKE YOU.

I gave up video games back in like november or december of last year because they were making it impossible for me to enjoy other things like watch tv and finish books and blog and I wasn't meeting women anyways

Video games are not all that bad.I will be really happy if my partner strings me along to play with him LOL.I have no boyfriend now, but i hope to have one, of course hoping my partner will not be the male version of your ex.

I love books and blogging but not so much on watching tv.I think the tv is a bad influence.Too much false information from the media.

Forget the news. I mean enterainment. I get my news from dailykos

I am a partisan hack for using dailykos I know and biased but I know looking at the oppostions point of view is not going to convince me at all.

Ic.Hearing your story really makes my heart ache.If only i know about his nature sooner(even though i know by now before reading your story), but it is TOO LATE.Two years, imagine the emotional turmoil i went through, thinking that he was the one.Yes, i cried untill my eyes was swollen, i could not focus in school and worst now i have sleeping problems, either i slept too much or slept too little.I am sorry to remind you of all these, but i am really happy to share my feelings to someone who actually can comprehend, thank you.It is just not fair.

20 More Responses

writing totally changes the way you process emotion. for example, this piece is angry, but its anger that has allowed to fall back into it's ba<x>se emotions, abandonment and sadness. I've noticed, This piece could of been like "you basically lied to me you stupid *****" and it could of been very aggressive but it didn't feel that way, because i'd been writing for years, what I felt was, instead of coming out and skewering her I was going to expose the wound my ex girlfriend dealt me. Instead of rushing at her I was gonna tell the world how I HURT because of her. As a result the piece has overwhelming emotional impact. if I had skewered her ti would of been such a bad piece because it wouldn't have any emotional impact. That's what writing does to people. It's a subtle, shaking rage...that is closer to tears than it is to anger.

Such an amazing poem filled with such emotion! Brings back so many memories.