Started With Depression

after being depressed for over 2months, a friend told me that writing poems might help, at first i didnt know were to start but after writing all my thoughts down i was able to put them into a few poems, i also feel drawing helps it doesn't matter what i draw but it usually helps, and people don't understand drawings as much as they understand words in a poem, the drawings mean nothing to them so when i'm in school and i feel down ill draw, people then just think i'm doodling and don't think anything of it.
xXmissyXx xXmissyXx
18-21, F
2 Responses Apr 9, 2007

Hi, my name is Ian.<br />
<br />
I was born january 1981 to an alcoholic mother & an abusive father who would beat my <br />
mother up on a regular basis. This is the reason she turned to alcohol to numb the pain.<br />
<br />
My parents broke up due to the violence in their relationship.<br />
My father left the house & I carried on living with my mother, for another year or so.<br />
At this time i was only 2 years old but my mother still felt the need to burn me with <br />
cigarettes & hold my hand on hot radiators as if to teach me a lesson of some kind.<br />
<br />
This was just the beginning of the abuse. One night when i was still just 2 years old,<br />
my mother who was drunk tried to drown me in the bath water. Her own son, Her only child.<br />
If it wasn't for my nan coming in to the house at the right time & giving me mouth to mouth<br />
resusitation, she may well have succeeded. My whole body had turned blue according to my nan.<br />
<br />
At the age of 3 my father & my nan teamed up together, and took my mother (her daughter) to court<br />
for full parental responsibility. The courts agreed this was for the best as my mother was not <br />
fit to raise a child. This is where it all begins.<br />
<br />
I was taken away from my birth mother & went to live with my father in a place called West tilbury<br />
in essex with his new girlfriend, whom soon become my new mother.<br />
Life here was ok, even though i felt i never belonged.<br />
Eventually my dad & step-mum had a child together (a baby girl),and just like my nan had told me<br />
"when that baby arrives you'll be pushed to the back ian" & boy was she right.<br />
<br />
Before all the attention was on me, but since the arrival of their first child together, it was like <br />
Ian wasn't important anymore. I was slowly pushed out of the picture and i felt completely alone.<br />
<br />
A couple years later they had another child together, this time a baby boy. I was so happy. <br />
my own little brother, just what i had always wanted. But as time passed i was pushed out more & more.<br />
<br />
As i grew older, i felt so alone & resented the love they had for my step brother & sister, because it <br />
just wasn't the same love that they gave me. Why was i never rewarded for the good things that i did?<br />
<br />
I started to rebel against how i was being treated, the usual really. <br />
I was constantly bullied at home & at school which lead to me getting in to fights at school, causing trouble<br />
in the village, making up stories, all in the hope they would acknowledge me.<br />
<br />
From the age of 6 i would be hit regularly with a slipper and from about the age of 10, with a cane.<br />
There was times when i would be locked in my bedroom for weeks at a time. I would be given food and water, but<br />
i was never allowed out. Whilst the other children were out playing on the green opposite or in the park, there <br />
i was in my pyjamas at 6pm, feeling so alone.<br />
<br />
My dad has always made me feel unloved and worthless, saying "i looked like my mum", i was "too skinny" and being that<br />
i had receeding hair like my father "no girl would ever love me". I never had a normal father/son relationship with <br />
this man. He seemed to get more enjoyment in making me feel like i was nothing than raising me & giving me the much<br />
needed confidence & self esteem that i would need in later life. <br />
<br />
As a teenager i turned to poetry & rap music as a means of dealing with the pain & heartache. My parents did not approve <br />
and would often raid my room, ripping down posters on my wall & confiscating my rap cassettes & magazines.<br />
<br />
Eventually at the age of 16, three days after leaving school, i left home in search of a family of my own. I went to live<br />
in tottenham, north london.<br />
This was good fun whilst it lasted, but after one of my closest friends was kidnapped and someone i knew was shot, i<br />
then decided it was time to leave. This just wasnt the life for me. I then returned to Grays, essex where i lived in different<br />
hostels/rooms/bedsits etc, occassionly returning home for short periods, in the hope that things would be different, but they<br />
were not.<br />
<br />
Not long after,my nan (dads mum) passed away. This hurt me like nothing in my life had done before. we were so close.<br />
My nan had lots of money saved up aswell as lots of valuable antiques, most which was to be shared amongst her children/grandchildren.<br />
But my dad felt the need to keep the lot just to spite everybody else. <br />
I found over a £100,000 in cash at my nans in a carrier bag, but dad felt the need to claim that for himself.<br />
I was "promised" a £200 gold chain to remember my nan by, but suprise suprise i never did get that. <br />
<br />
At 20 years old i met a mixed race girl from up north, who was the sister of a friend of mine whom i met whilst living in a hostel in Grays. <br />
Eventually the both of us got together and not long after this girl fell pregnant with our child. We moved up north.<br />
I was ecstatic at the thought of becoming a dad and having my own family. Everything seemed perfect and i thought my family would be over <br />
the moon,but i was wrong. very wrong.<br />
<br />
He did not like "blacks" were his words, but had quite a big collection of naked "black" girl **** pictures on his computer. a very confused man.<br />
<br />
<br />
Because my daughter was to be born mixed race (a quarter nigerian). My dad refused to have anything to do with her, her mother or me.<br />
This had a major impact on me, not only did my dad not love me but he didn't love his first grandchild either. I begged and pleaded for<br />
him to come and see my daughter and me and for a year he refused. He even stopped my step-mum, brother and sister visiting us or <br />
having anything to do with us fullstop. <br />
<br />
This put a strain on the relationship between my daughters mum & me. Her family loved Alisha so much just like i did, <br />
and yet mine wanted nothing to do with her.<br />
Eventually my step-sister threatened to run away from home in order to see my daughter (her niece). It was then that my so-<br />
called family came to visit us. My dad treated my daughter like she had a disease and contact with them slowly ceased again.<br />
<br />
The relationship between my daughters mum and me slowly died due to the pressures that we were under from both sides, so i moved back down <br />
south. I would continue to stay in touch with my daughter and then slowly my daughters mum made it more difficult to see her. <br />
She would change the place we had arranged to meet to handover my daughter at the last minute.<br />
I asked my family for support in taking my daughters mum to the family courts for access but they both wouldn't. <br />
I wasn't mentally strong enough, i was depressed, heartbroken & unable to hold down a job. All i did was cry. I missed my daughter so much.<br />
<br />
I took to poetry and hip-hop lyrics as a positive means of dealing with the pain, feeling of abandonment and depression. I would use both my<br />
imagination and life experiences as a ba<x>se for my poetic style. I have a myspace site to which i have added many of my lyrics.<br />
<br />
My father eventually realised that i was telling my life story and the effect it had, had on me in poetic form. He didn't want people to <br />
know he'd disowned his granddaughter for her skin colour so he told people it was because i was too young to have a baby, even though he was<br />
20 when he had me. I was angry, as he had played a major role in destroying my only chance of true happiness and then denying it to cover<br />
his own back.<br />
<br />
I did confront my dad but he laughed telling me i was paranoid, i continued writing lyrics to deal with the hurt. Eventually the heartache<br />
and tears got too much to bear and that was when i sent my parents some texts, which i shouldn't have.<br />
<br />
This lead to me being arrested for three charges,Harrassment, slander and threats to kill in 2008.<br />
I spent three nights in basildon cells,before being taken to Basildon magistrates court, where the judge recommended i be kept on remand.<br />
I was then taken to Chelmsford HMP, where i spent a total of 3 and a half weeks.Even having my face cut by my junkie cell mate in the process.<br />
Eventually i was released on bail whilst waiting for my case to go to crown court, Southend.<br />
In all,i was facing 8-10 years for these three charges. After a week in the dock and constant lies from my father about how he had "always loved<br />
my daughter from day one" and how i make these things up as im "a junkie". One of his favourite lines he uses to try turn my nan against me.<br />
I was given a 5 year injunction from my family, 2 years suspended sentence, 180 community service, a ban from drawing pictures of my family PLUS <br />
a "5 year rap & poetry ban".<br />
<br />
This means that if i even mention the man's name in any of my poetry/rap between 2009 and 2014, then i can face anywhere up to 5 years imprisonment.<br />
<br />
After the court case had ended i tried to do things the legal way, but had it all thrown back in my face by a couple officers from Essex police.<br />
<br />
Being that i was banned for five years from the place i was raised, i had no way of getting my personal belongings back from my dad's house.<br />
This included a yellow ducati mini moto, two 2.2 air rifles, pictures of my daughter (birth upwards), childhood pictures, 200 plus rap albums, <br />
mountain bike, bithday/xmas/fathers day cards from my daughter plus a lot more items.<br />
<br />
So i asked essex police to go to my dads house to retrieve these items. But my dad is a very clever, manipulative man who played the police <br />
as easy as ABC. First he claimed he had the items but i'd have to wait a couple weeks, then he claimed he didn't have anything of mine,<br />
All the while the officers believed this bullshit and told me i'd just have to accept it. They even stopped noting down my calls, typical.<br />
It's all a big game to my father. He has to have the upperhand with everything, so when someone like his own son names and shames him,<br />
he does tend to get a little angry.<br />
<br />
Even after all what he has done to me he still feels the need to harass me, by making fake facebook/youtube/myspace accounts so that he can gloat <br />
in his glory, not that these days he has much glory. I continually make a mock of him and that will never stop.<br />
In his quest to ruin me, he has had my "offensive" poetry removed, videos deleted and only just last month he had my youtube account closed down.<br />
4 years of work down the drain, but what does that matter to him?<br />
<br />
Now this is where karma kicks in. My step mum recently found out that my dad has been cheating on her for over 9 years, i did tell her years ago, but<br />
she chose not to believe me. My dad even took me to his mistress's house. My mum then decided to file for divorce on the grounds of adultery. But my<br />
dad being the clever little man he is has denied this all the way and is making that womans life hell now. He kicked my mum, step sister and step brother out <br />
of the family home. So my step-mum went to court and the courts decided to kick him out and let his wife & kids live there. He was even given a 500 <br />
metre injunction to stay away from the house, but he doesnt listen and she is too scared to stand up to him, so thats the reason my brother did.<br />
well done bro. so all he has now in his sorry little life is his stuffed animals from his taxidermy collection. kind of amusing to be honest.<br />
<br />
We are all out of his will now, so even when he passes away he plans to give his "millions" to the RSPB.<br />
That doesnt bother me in the slightest though, i will be detesting that will. <br />
<br />
My sister was due to go to university and had £4500 saved, but my dad felt the need to steal that from her, even though he is a millionaire from<br />
his scams/landlord & taxidermy business. I've reported him to the police for that, but once again they wont do anything about it, unless my sister <br />
makes an official complaint. But she wont do that as she knows the trouble he will cause for our mum, so she sees it as it's best to just leave it.<br />
<br />
I am now in contact with my sister, my brother just does his own thing and my step-mum has said she wants contact with me, but when the time is right<br />
for her. The way i see it, that is not the defination of a mum, a mum is 24/7, 365, not when she feels like it, she is just as responsible for the mental<br />
abuse as my father for allowing it to happen. What hurts the most is she hasn't even tried to apologise the once, well its her that has to live with the guilt.<br />
<br />
I'm still not seeing my daughter on a regular basis, and it hurts so deeply. Im currently waiting for a court date, all the while my daughter is growing <br />
older by the day, and i am missing out on so much of her life due to her spiteful mother, who also seems to get off on denying me real contact to my own child.<br />
I still believe that my dad pays my daughters mum money, to keep my daughter away from me. He has already forwarded her statements & details about<br />
the harassment court case to try and ruin my chance for me to see my daughter. What right does he have to do that? He's a very sick man.<br />
<br />
Even his mistress emailed me and said she thinks he has a 'mental illness' as he told her to disown her son if he ever did the 'same' as me. <br />
<br />
I feel i've run out of all options in dealing with this man once and for all. If i write poetry about him, i'll get locked up, if i give him the kicking<br />
he truly deserves, i'll get locked up. Counselling never really helped, and the police don't ever take what i say serious, so what can i do?? <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
"Twitter - @IMD81"

A fellow writer and friend of mine introduced me to painting some years ago. When I find it difficult to write, I will paint. I feel the two artistic ex<x>pressions go hand in hand. Good for you. Keep it up.