Post

Triggered

Triggered
Jasmine Fletcher

He hurt me
 Yet I’m the monster.
For years
I placed myself at fault.
Why?
Because if i blamed myself
Then it makes sense as to why it happened.
 I somehow deserved it
Because i had done something i should not have done.
 He slapped me across the face?
Oh, i must have said no to him.
He pushed me into the floor?
Oh, i must have run from him.
He forced himself in my mouth?
Oh, i must have made him mad.
He sodomized me?
Oh, i must have fought back.
He pulled my hair?
I must have resisted.
He took his belt to me?
Oh, i must have cried.
He shoved his fingers in me?
Oh, i must have done something wrong.
He kept touching me, feeling me,
 Oh, i must have asked to be misused.
 He forced me to do things,
Forced me to have things done.
I must have deserved the pain, abuse, mistrust, and misuse.
 
If you say it was his fault
Then how does it make sense at all?
How did
By some cruel twist of fate
You cross paths with the inevitable
And get screwed over in such a devastating way?
How do you reason the destructive actions?
Brought upon such an innocent,
Undeserving, source of happiness?
How could one think of such grueling things?
To put a child through.
Pulling the innocence from her,
Raping her, taking away her very mind,
Leaving her with just enough life to scream
"Please,
 Oh please, God,
Just take my life,
I don’t want it anymore!"
It’s actually very simple.
 You don’t.
 You just don’t.
There is no way to reason,
 Only hold your shattered mind together and say,
 "Yes.
This happened.
I may never know why,
But the fault is not to be placed on me.
Not this time.
Not anymore."
 
Abuse is a learned behavior,
 In most cases that is,
 And yet still wrong in every way. 
How can you act so swiftly?
When you go in unknowing?
You don’t.
Going into the fight
The victim is the only one who is unprepared,
And rightfully so.
No one should be forced to live
In such immense fear,
Yet it is common.
Looking in the mirror,
It’s easy to find yourself to blame. 
The challenge is to hunt for the truth.
It’s also easy to ask yourself,
More than anyone,
"Why did he leave me alive?
Other than obvious evidence.
He had the opportunity, many times,
Slamming me into things,
Pushing me down, hell,
Even having his hands compressed into my neck.."
Yet you walk away with only breath.
No life, really,
Because even though you know, logically,
He will not return,
The unsettling thought does not subside.
He’s moved away, moved on.
To another little girl?
God only knows,
But i am left to hope not.
Even though you know he is gone,
His threat still lingers,
Even within other beings,
Though intentions are similar.
You live with the memories,
Wishing for them to cease,
Just for one night,
Oh please,
Just one night.
You want to die.
That’s all there is,
That’s the only thing you know
To make it all stop.
Some things work for a bit.
Dig into your wrist with the silver blade.
Does that bring enough satisfaction?
Take another draw.
Did that bring enough satisfaction?
Another gulp,
Another shot,
Another dose,
Another toke.
Are you numb enough yet?
Avoidance.
It will help take you farther
Than you wanted to go,
Keep you longer than you wanted,
And leave you wanting more
Because for the moment,
It worked.
Oh god.
For a moment,
Just a moment,
I got my relief.
But it won’t last.
Everything is still lingering beneath the surface,
Waiting.
When it rains,
It pours.
When it falls,
It goes fast.
When the clock is ticking,
Time runs out before you can blink,
And you lost another day to wondering;
Why am i
Still alive?
monsterwithinme monsterwithinme 16-17, F Aug 10, 2012

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