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Stalking

It never rightfully belonged to me
But I wanted it nonetheless,
So when you were distracted and couldn’t see
I took it, I confess.

I thought that it might take a while
For you to realize your mistake,
And though I felt guilty in my guile
I held it close, for love’s sake.
 
Perhaps by this time you’ve abandoned the search
You're resigned to life without it now,
At times I have been known to lurch
Toss it away in an attempt to disavow.
 
“I no longer want this, take it back!”
Relive me of this guilty pain,
I was unaware of its ability to attack
And the confusion's making me insane.
 
I’ve looked for you; I’ve crept around
Hoping to return it once and for all,
I wanted to leave it without a sound
And have you discover it with no recall.
 
But there's something at play here
And I admit confusion,
The more I struggle the more I fear,
I am a victim of my own delusion.
 
Maybe you don’t want it returned to you
Maybe I must remain the thief,
Maybe you purposely left it in view
Maybe my taking it was a relief. 
 
You left a part of you with me
Inadvertently or not, it’s hard to tell,
But I’ll keep it safe, hidden carefully
I’ll tame it, and love it well.
 
Quintesse Quintesse 51-55, F 31 Responses Feb 7, 2013

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Thanks Faery. It was a tough one to write.
HikerGuy--stalk away--just keep an eye out over your shoulder.

Why would I look over my shoulder? Unless that's where your sexy body is going to be ....

;-p

This isn't an invitation for me to stalk you, is it? ;-p
You're awesome Q !

It is always fun to see you here. Thank you for the nice comment. I know you don't have much time to read so I appreciate it.

Delightful. Thoroughly enjoyed this, thank you for sharing :)

Thank you ThisWay--for recognizing the courage.
I don't particularly like dwelling on this stuff and mainly I feel like an *** doing it. But I have to admit that it helps--it definitely helps.
When you write it out, especially in a challenging format, it sort of isolates it all in your head, and then I've found, when I go back and read it I am more detached from the emotion that triggered it in the first place.
So thank you for zeroing in on that aspect of this, and for understanding. "They remain there, everlasting."
I'm beginning to suspect you are right.

Kindheart,
Thank you for reading and for responding so nicely. I'm afraid there a lot of us out there, the profoundly broken-hearted, but knowing that doesn't take away one iota of the pain. I have been at this for quite some time and it has not abated. They say the amount that you suffer is in direct proportion to how much you loved the person, so I am in trouble I guess.

Writing is a way of mitigating the pain, but I've accepted that it will never be gone. I chose to focus more on what I got from him (what I was left with, what I must live with) as opposed to what he took from me (which was substantial, and he knows it) because there is nothing to be gained by focusing on that aspect of it all. It is obvious the feelings were not mutual. I have to live with that, with the deception that was perpetrated against me.

As you can tell I'm sure by my rambling, all of this --the writing-- is my way of coping with it all. Someday I won't want to dwell on it, and then I'll know that I have healed. Not sure when that will be though.
Until then, I'm glad to have the people here like yourself, who understand. My pain is my pain and your pain is your pain, but there is a kind of strength in numbers in that you feel a little less alone with it all, so--thank you for that.

It is amazing when something like this (so beautifully written btw) comes to youwhen you need it the most. You see, i too suffer from a broken heart. so thank you for expressing it so beautifully.

See above.

I too tend to obsess about things, wanting what I had to be different but it wasn't. once I took the emotions out (what a joke to say that) i saw things differently. i saw that he was NOT worthy of my attention and that there were serious problems along the way he hid so artfully. the key here is to separate your head and your heart....easier said than done! xoxo.

Thanks my poetic friend.

I really liked this, Quintese. It reads excellently.

Thank you Bowman, for the compliment. The sadness and the pain is getting really old, I know. I have moments of levity, but I always come back to this. I am thinking that this is part of the process. Maybe at some point you stop coming back to it. That's the plan anyway. But for now, it is what it is.

Thank you...your voice is resonant as ever. I am sorry it comes with such pain.

Jacee and Ricki,
This one means a lot to me. Thank you for praising it. All I need is a little encouragement and I certainly got that here. Thank you both so much.

Time may heal all wounds, but it never gives back to us what was taken. Very sad but lovely poem none the less. Thank you for sharing.

Yeah Jacee. You really get it. Thank you. Right now I'm afraid I am focused on the pain, what was taken, what was lost, his cavalier attitude...
The goal is to someday be able to focus on what was shared. Thank you for reading and commenting.

I don't have enough words to praise your poem. I'm deeply touched.

I know you understand this. Thanks my friend.

Lmmaritz,
I have three modes: Driven/obsessed...sobbing...or laughing hysterically. This was sobbing, obviously. But the end result is always interesting, like you just severed a part of yourself-- put it on paper...

Soulful One, You are in control- I can tell from the way you describe yourself, the way you handle life. I suffer from depression so it is a whole different ball game. Not so easy to file stuff away and "have it stay there." In fact, I think that might be the definition of depression in reverse--when you are severely depressed nothing gets filed, there is no order, and there is no "revisiting"--it is all front and center, all the time. It may get filed eventually, as new events and experiences crowd out the old wounds, but I don't have experience with that. By definition also depression means that the layers rarely get ******** away, they just get...heavier.
Not to discount anything you are saying. I love that you are saying it. But I am still in the process of learning how to do what you seem to be able to do so effortlessly. You my friend are an inspiration.

I always think of myself as layers. With my experiences layers are added to me and sometimes layers are peeled away, thus making me who I am. All these experiences make up who I am. So I don't fight it, no need for that struggle. Instead I file it away in whatever place I need it to be and there it stays. Yes, you visit and revisit it, but like anything else other experiences and emotions will take it's place in importance.

Thanks Woman and Affinity. It is sad. I am sad. Love lost is...sad.
But I guess the argument can be made that if you took something away from it all , from the experience, found something that you can cherish, then "love is never wasted."
I guess.

I wrote this because I was overcome with the desire to give it all back, in an effort to stop the pain. But then I realized that it was impossible, that it is too late, that I am in some ways "stuck" with that part of him that he gave me (or I took). Because when he walked away I am pretty sure he did not mean to leave anything behind, nothing that could track him back to me.
But alas, I have something nonetheless. And I will always have it. No more stalking. I am going to just keep what I have and try and find a way to live with it.
He took something from me too though--and frankly I would like to have it back.

Wow. I know exactly what you mean. The one I loved, the one who's gone, used to tell me that I have what was always mine. He used to tell me that it always belonged to me, all of these years while we were apart. Once someone is in your heart, entwined in there, I think it's impossible to ever be completely untangled..........

Your words are Beautifully written

Yeah about the "entwined in your heart" thing. That's it exactly. People say--"move on."
I say..."good one."

That was a sad, but lovely little poem.

Thank you so much, really, thanks.

This fits perfectly with one of my personal mottoes, along the lines of "love never being wasted". Even when love is "over" it still remains on some level, we retain a part which we keep close and can cherish. You've expressed this for me beautifully. Thank you.

I've always said that you were so smart. Thank you

Sometimes only hurt is left. :-(

And I really like that you read it and liked it. I am happy over here, because I convinced myself that it didn't make sense and no one would get it. Thank you

Nice, Miss Q

Love
b

Thank you my friend

OpenShadows. It's a broken heart is all. I don't happen to believe in accidents, so I think you share a part of yourself, and there really is no undoing that once it's done. Thank you for reading, and re-reading and deciphering, and especially, for commenting so nicely. I appreciate it.

Brilliantly written

Too kind.

Just honest is all, you are a very gifted writer

But this thing is a beast I tell you! I have to tame it so I can live with it--I don't have a choice here, it is attacking me from within. It will never disappear.

Like snow....

it all eventually melts

Okay. If you say so.

Tame it? Then it only becomes a shadow of what it once was..... Then, like an echo, it will ultimately disappear...

I have to tell you--I am grateful that there are people who are willing to read and decipher anything written in "I Write Poetry" It has me feeling really, really touched. Thank you, all of you who take the time. I appreciate it. Maybe this is how I release some of my "burden."

Don't ever stop writing!

No worries. Thank you, again

No thank you

Wow amazing job. Great work!

That means a lot to me. thank you

I like this. You've captured it well.

Thank you for this. I am grateful that you understand.

Sansseraph, when I read your comment I was really blown away because you get it, what I am trying to say. Once you have it--what are you supposed to do with it? It's like, why the hell did you give me this in the first place. I was just minding my own business... Knowing that you carry a piece of someone else within your heart IS an awesome responsibility. I am unable to relinquish what I've got, and that has me scared to death some days
Thank you. Thank you.

Jen, I love you but I am not feeling particularly brilliant. This is my feeble attempt to heal a part of my heart that just will not heal no matter what I do. So, I come up with a thousand ways to rationalize my pain, diffuse it somehow by writing about it. Instead I think I am getting more confused. Relinquish? or cherish? Cast off? or hold tightly? Do I wish he could take it all back? or am I grateful for the experience? I don't know anymore. I have this part, this piece of him within me, sometimes joyful (memories) and sometimes evil (pain inducing). I cannot reconcile any of it, hence the delusional insanity crack.
But MAN! am I grateful that there are people who will read stuff like this and try to understand. It really warms my heart. Thank you