There Exists A Fictional Place Named Rimtine

 

there exists a fictional place named rimtine
the people that live on rimtine are called rimtinians
rimtinians live a fulfilling but burdonsome life

they serve a very greedy ruler named emit
when rimtinians are born they are given a number sdnoces by emit
in exchange for every movement or action or word or thought emit takes one sdnoces
even if a rimtinian is idle greedy emit takes a sdnoces

rimtinians dont know just how many sdnoces they have
when a rimtinian runs out of sdnoces they are banished from rimtine never to return
rimtinians usually have some warning before they run out of sdnoces
but the unlucky ones dont know when theyve spent thier last sdnoces

rimtinians dont know what happens when a rimtinian is banished
for some time the rimtinians mourn the banished rimtinians they love
but soon they forget
as they wouldnt want to waste too many sdnoces

rimtinians must choose how to best spend their sdnoces
some philosiphize and prophisize
others spend all their sdnoces cursing emit for his greed
most make a family and spend their sdnoces trying to keep their family happy

there was once a rimtinian named manny
manny was especially lucky and was visited by emit in a dream
manny bellows to emit WHY DO YOU TAKE OUR SDNOCES
emit calmly replies because rimtine is not yet perfect

manny is shocked by this response and further bellows WHAT IS YOUR PURPOSE
until rimtinians can exist without lust or fear or hate or greed i cannot rest
i must take sdnoces from rimtinians in order to ready them for the next
i am must wait and observe until your kind has flushed its flaws
this is my curse

manny awakens with a new found understanding of his existance
he runs through the streets of rimtine yelling WE CAN EXIST WITHOUT SDNOCES
when a crowd has gathered he explains we thought we were slaves to emit but in fact emit is a slave to our flaws
if we create a rimtine without flaws we will live forever and never be banished

the rimtinians are confused by this and dont understand
some curse him for his heresy
one rimtinian says all rimtinians before us are lost
we can not expect a different fate we must accept we will all be banished

at this moment manny is banished from rimtine never to return
the rimtinians that loved manny mourn for some time
but soon they forget
as they wouldnt want to waste too many sdnoces
ninjaman444 ninjaman444
18-21, M
2 Responses Mar 2, 2010

OK, I get that "emit" is time and sdnoces is "seconds". I failed to find an anagram for rimtinians, although I don't know that it matters.<br />
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I'm not sure I see the point of masking these words particularly since one of them is unpronounceable. I think that I understand the intent of your work as well but again, I don't see the point in masking some of the language that is crucial to the meaning of your work. It's a good idea and has some potential; I'd just work on some of the typos and also on tightening it up a bit -- I'd call this prose rather than poetry as there really is no metering, rhyming scheme, or other poetic devices that I'm familiar with. Still, I like what you have to say here and I think you can refine this into a meaningful, thought-provoking work.

i know it's really long but i think it's my best poem. anyone get it?