I Love You But Why?
My ear’s are ringing from all the crying I have done, I am feeling exhausted by the pain and still cannot believe the man who I thought loved me has done this to me. I suddenly hear your car pull up, my hearts racing; I quickly look in the mirror to make sure it doesn't look like I have been crying. I do not want you to know how much I am hurting right now, I have to be strong and if you want to walk away then that is fine by me. Deep down I want to believe that, I want to think I can be without you that you are no good for me, but the truth is I cannot, you are my true love but why have you hurt me like this? I hear your key in the door, I start to feel sick I can feel it rising in my throat now, I swallow hard. I hear the door close behind you; I know your looking for me as you call my name. I just stand there in the bedroom looking out the window not knowing whether to answer you or not. I shall not bother as I can hear you racing up the stairs as you burst through the door and then there was silence. Suddenly I can hear your quiet voice say *I am so sorry* but I know if I turn and look at you in the eye’s I will just fall to pieces. I point to the floor where your bag’s sit and have done since this morning; I don’t even know if I have packed it all, I was in such a rage with tears blurring my vision. It had crossed my mind to cut them all up, or burn them all just to teach him a lesson but I thought no I am not that harsh. I did not hear you come up behind me, all I felt was your breath on my neck, every hair stands to attention but I still refuse to turn around I cannot or I will break. You softly put your hands around my waist and I feel the tears racing to my eyes, my eye's start to sting and I have to keep swallowing to keep them back. You try to turn me round but I start to get so angry now, I can feel my blood boiling, all that hate and pain. Suddenly it is like someone has just flicked a switch as I turn around and start beating at your chest with my fist, I cannot feel no pain the tears and anger is just flowing out of me now. I want to hurt you to make you feel what I am feeling, to make you see what you have done to me. You finally grabs my arms and push me on the bed, I am still lashing out but I have become so weak now I cannot do much and you take advantage of this as you pin me to the bed by my arms as I sob away you look in to my eyes and again say *I am so sorry*. Do I believe you? Do I believe the email’s I just found were simply you seeking a bit of attention? I see the pain in your eyes the tears begin to stream down your face as you tell me it is me you love; it is me who you want not her. I push you off me because I suddenly feel like I am going to be sick as I re-read the messages in my head again. You look shocked because you are now on to the floor; you just stay there balancing on your leg’s just looking at me still crying. You start to beg for my forgiveness, plead with me that you were not thinking straight. I see the love but I am still not sure if it is just guilt well hidden, my mind and heart is all over the place not knowing what to believe or say to you. I ask you to leave, to give me time to get my head sorted out but you refuse to, tell me how much you love me and do not want to lose me. You tell me you are willing to fight for me and will not leave, that you will prove to me every day how much you love and need me. I just sit there with nothing to say, i cannot even look you in the eyes. You know I love you and would be so lost without you and you’re playing on this. You know I will give in in time, you see it in my eyes and feel it in my heart. Maybe i am just the fool being played by a fool, but only time will tell.