u want me to share how i am really feeling, so i guess this is my way of doing it, im not trying to shut you out, and keep things for you, but im not going to do that tonight. i'll admit, after we had sex, and i went into the bathroom, i had graphic flashbacks, and i have been pretty much been having them since than. im sorry, i don't knw why sex makes me remember the rape sometimes, and not the other times. i wish i knew what was the trigger, i wish i knew why sometimes im offected by it, and other times, im not. i hate it, i want to hurt myself, because i can't forget about what has happened to me. im sitting here, holding back my tears, because i don't wantr to worry you, and im stting here, and trying to figh off cutting urges. i wish i could beat this, but idk how. i feel so alone in dealing with this ****. im scared. and idk what to say or do.....

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1 Response Mar 15, 2010

Honey, you may never know the triggers. But I promise you...with time it does get better and you will heal!! You just need to let him know when this happens so he can support you. It's hard. The last thing you want to do is talk about what you are reliving. I know, babe. I do. But in doing this, you bringing him in. You are building trust. And if you want to believe it or not...trust is not there like it should be. That is what rape does. You find it very difficult to even trust the males closest to you with all the intimate stuff....like this. But try. By doing this it will help you heal and help him to understand more. He won't feel left out and as if he has done something to hurt you that you won't talk about., Maybe a key word or phrase like "it's one of those times". THen he'll know. Let him hold you while you cry. <br />
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Honey...I'm here for you! I understand. And like I said...I PROMISE, IT DOES GET BETTER!!! *HUGS*