I Do Write.

I write, certainly. The problem is that what I write disgusts me. Disgust is not a strong enough word, actually, more like I loathe the words on the page with every fiber of my being.

I look down at a poem I have written and there are a thousand tiny little voices telling me "this is wrong" "that sounds wrong" "fix this fix that" "No No No! What is wrong with you? This shouldn't even be here!" Often times I can't help but listen to them and in the end I am left with a butchered piece that I am extraordinarily unhappy with.

When I resist the urge to over-edit I am happy, for a moment, before looking at the poem again and holding back the burning bile rising in my throat.

I don't want to delete, that would be surrendering to that swirling vacuous vortex that is my self confidence. I want to be confident in my writing but I have no confidence in it.

I strive to achieve, to improve, to perfect what I do but I can't write when I want to. An idea is like a crazed hobo on a motor scooter suddenly zooming by and slapping me in the face as he passes. I have to write it down before the shock and the stinging sensation dissipate.

A famous poet once said that he discards any ideas that don't stay with him, but the ideas that stay with me seem like nothing but haze that slips through my fingers. Whereas, the ones I write down I can elaborate on that instant, but I rarely finish them because I hit a wall.

What I do finish, I despise.

Oh well!

Here's to being a writer, I suppose.
SilenceEvermore SilenceEvermore
3 Responses Jun 27, 2012

Don't write poetry, write prose. Hardly anyone ever manages to make money from poetry and it's hard to write stuff that isn't embarrassing. If you can write, write prose.

I like the format of poetry more though and I'm not writing for money, just writing because I enjoy it and sometimes I want to try and share my thoughts with others in an interesting and creative fashion ^_^

Later on though, because you have a gift, you will want the acknowledgement

Maybe, I dunno. I would just rather write what I like as opposed to writing to get money.

you know, I just paid you a really nice compliment....

Sorry, I was a bit distracted, thank you very much for the kind words :D

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Completely understandable. :)

For who/what do you write?

Myself, pretty much..

I'm sorry if I am indelicate, but I'd like to understand: so since you don't accept yourself, you don't accept your writing? What "self" do you see through your words?

Maybe because I don't accept myself I don't accept my writing. Although there is a part of me that wants to be proud of it. I'm not sure what self I see in my words.

So you want to be proud of youself as well?

Sure do, just can't, yet.

But even if you can't, are you aware of all the reasons why you should be proud of yourself?


Well, I can start esuring that this is not something you should be proud of :) Have you ever described the self you feel you could be proud of?

Sure have.

Just to be clear: I will keep on asking you questions if you don't give me something I can call an aswer. I'm a writer too and I need to explore words :) Do I have to stop?

You really won't get much of a straight answer :)

Again: do I have to stop asking for more?


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