- To use a urinal, you must have a Y chromosome. If you have two X chromosomes and you're reading this, none of these rules apply to you except this first one. In fact, you should have never seen a urinal in your life except on TV and movies. If you have a Y chromosome but see someone using a urinal who does not, make sure you kick her out of the bathroom and notify her that she is sick, gross, and disgusting, and there is a women's bathroom right next door.
- When you walk into the men's bathroom, quickly scan the urinals. If no one else is using the urinals, simply pick the urinal farthest from the entrance door.
- If, by chance, other men are using one or more of the urinals, go to the urinal that is farthest away from human contact. For example, if there are two men that are five urinals apart, and there are five urinals total in the bathroom, use the urinal in the middle.
- If all urinals are taken, PLEASE USE A STALL. DO NOT, under ANY circumstances, wait in line behind someone using a urinal. Remember, it IS possible to urinate into a normal toilet. You do it at home all the time.
- The word URINAL is derived from the word URINE. Therefore, there is only one thing that you are allowed to put in this structure. That is URINE. Under NO circumstances may you defecate in a urinal. It's a urinal, not a fecal. Never place anything solid in a urinal, period.
- The men's bathroom is not a bar. It is no place to socialize. There are only two circumstances when you may speak to another man urinating in a urinal while you are. These are listed in rules 7 and 8.
- If you are about to die and need immediate help, you may speak while using the urinal. However, make sure you zip up your pants before you go into cardiac arrest. Even if the man beside you knows first aid, I seriously doubt he wants to see your wing wang.
- If a trumpet blows, and Jesus descends from the sky, you may talk to notify the other men what is going on, although they will probably already know. Don't worry about zipping up your fly in this case. You are probably about to lose your body anyway.
- Always try your best to aim for the drain. Even if you do, some urine may splash back up, but it is less likely, and it is better to splash up than to splash out.
- DO NOT MOVE YOUR HEAD. Once you begin to urinate, look directly at your target, the drain. To not let your head pivot to the left or to the right. You may let it pivot directly up once you're done, just so you can see the flush handle. As you turn around to leave, DO NOT LOOK DOWN.
If you adhere to these rules I have created, you will become an expert urinator. You will also get along fine with me if we are in the public bathroom at the same time. However, if you break one of these rules, you may get a sock in the nose from your friendly neighborhood Ropin' Texan. Don't be surprised if this happens. That's just what happens when you mess with Texas.
By the way, this is in my blog too.