Dear Mom

Dear Mom,
I know it feels weird talking after all these years. But I think it’s good that we are able to start fresh and new. I hope everything is going well for you. I’m writing this letter because I’m not going to always be there and I know that I can not save you. For only you can save yourself and most of the time no one can save themselves with out God. I prayed about writing this letter to you for the end of the scrap book I made you. I didn’t know what to write and how to make it amazing and worth reading. Now I know what I need to write. Let’s start off from the beginning.
When I was little, I remember show and telling a picture of you, Larry, Courtney and me at Mount lass in park. I told the class how much I loved the lady that held me on her lap in the picture. I remember saying that when I grew up I wanted to be pretty just like you. I looked up to you as an innocent child totally oblivious about the drugs and alcohol. And some how I looked past that and still loved you. As time went on and I grew up the big picture started to become clearer and I started to grow hatred in my heart towards you and Larry. I didn’t like the things that would happen with you and Larry. Then things changed.
When I got taken away my heart shattered and that was the first time I really felt what a broken heart was. I didn’t realize how much I really did love you. How much I was hiding it with my anger. How much I was telling my self that you hated me. Foster care was a nightmare. But it was also a healing process for me. When I was younger I didn’t know what was really going on. I was to young. I didn’t understand why these older people were telling me I couldn’t live with you or why they would tell me you were not coming to the visits. As a mother you were important to me. You were the person I was supposed to go to and tell that I had a crush on a boy. You were the person I was supposed to go with to get my prom dress. You were supposed to be my mom, and support me and be there but see the thing is…Your mom didn’t do a good job of raising you. She was not a good mother. You didn’t get a normal childhood like you should have.
For the longest time, When someone would say “she was not a good mother” or “ she didn’t treat you right” I would tell them, “ she treated me as best as an addict mother could”. For awhile I would stick up for you and then one day it hit me. Why was I sticking up for you? You were the one that hurt me. Then I realized it. The bible says to love your enemies. You were not my enemy but hating you would only make things worse.But loving you at the time just seemed to hard. But I didn’t need to stick up for you, I needed to show you that I was not going to give up on you like everyone else in your life did to you. Some people think I am stupid for talking to you after all that you have done. But in my heart I feel that it is right, but some where in my heart I feel like if you know your daughter wants you in her future then you will fight against your bad habits and you will fight hard. It’s a fresh start for you to make a new path. I still love you and I know I can not save you and I know that I can have high expectations for you either. What I do have though is compassion and someone you can talk to if you need to. I’m not a little girl anymore but yet coming to be my own person and on my own here soon, and to be honest I am really scared. Scared that I might end up like the rest of my family but some where in me I know I wont. I will fight harder then ever to not ever go that way. I’m actually a little excited to hang out with you and get to practice on your hair for college. But my hopes are not up.
What you do need to know is this;
I forgive you.
I forgive you for the abuse and the neglect.
I forgive you for the things you put me threw.
I forgive you for not being there and being a good mother.
I forgive you for not showing up for visits.
I forgive you for not fighting hard enough to get me bad.
I forgive you for not stopping Larry when he would hit me.
I forgive you for not hugging me enough.
I forgive you for not acting like my mother.
I forgive you for the time that was wasted.
I forgive you for all the fighting that when on between with you and Larry.
I forgive you for the violence I was exposed to.
I forgive you for not having a good child hood.
I forgive you for not doing different things when you were full of pain.
I forgive you for not playing with me when I wanted you to.
I forgive you for all the times you would sleep and leave me alone.
I forgive you for all the times I was hungry and we couldn’t eat because you guys used the money on drugs.
I forgive you for having us live in gross motels.
I forgive you for not being able to do your best as a mother.
I have forgiven you for everything bad that had happened. And if I didn’t mention something then I still forgive you for it.
It’s a new start now. I’m almost out of high school and I want it to be a brand new start.. As if none of it ever happened because if we keep dwelling on the past then we will never move on and get better. We will always be stuck in the same spot pondering on the same things, still hurt from the pain that was never forgiven for. You don’t need drugs and all that crap. It’s ruining you. Your really beautiful and would be so much more beautiful if you were not doing that stuff. Your really artistic and that is so awesome. I think I get that from you Which Is cool. I know life will never be perfect but may only get worse at some points. That is when you need to just hold on and don’t look back. The past is the past for a reason. It gives you the option to move on or to keep doing the same thing over again.
I just pray that things get easier for you.
I still love you and always will.
Your Daughter,
Samantha Grant


gentlyyours gentlyyours
18-21, F
3 Responses May 9, 2012

thanx guys

That was wonderfully inspirational

You are truly ...a shining star ...now you can be YOU!!! Girl you are my hero!<br />
Samantha Grant Rocks!!