Just a Bit of a Ramble...
Sometimes I miss you so much & I don’t really understand it – how can you miss something you never really had?
Sometimes I feel so completely & utterly alone that I wonder if I do actually exist or if I am just a figment of my own imagination. I feel like I am outside everything, a shadow in all of my interactions. People change the composition of everything they touch – but I feel sometimes that my touch just goes through things – never connecting with people or ob
Sometimes I feel so lost when I realise that I fit in nowhere – that no-one ever knows me & that there is no-one with whom I can be completely honest. Everyone sees a slightly different me – one tailored to their needs, their expectations. No-one sees behind the walls that hide the real me, because they don’t really want to. They don’t honestly want to know the depths and turmoil of my emotions and the darkness of my thoughts. And I am not even too sure that I would want them to!
Sometimes I am afraid that if I show you my deepest fears and insecurities that you will realise that they are all true – you will see me as a ghost, a shadow, lacking in substance.
What people don’t say is always more important than what they do say! You can have whole conversations with people without saying a word – the unspoken hanging in the air like smoke that chokes you. You trip over it & move around it and pretend it is not there. Sometimes you can see a persons unspoken word in their eyes. Sometimes you just see in their eyes a pleading for you not to say what they see in yours. And sometimes what people say is so far from what you need to hear that it breaks you. You find yourself crumbling – not under the weight of what hasn’t been said, but why it hasn’t been said. Why the only thing you need at that moment is the one thing that person cannot give you. The realisation that they may never be able to give it, and the realisation that your need is so great.
Very rarely a person says exactly what you need to hear at exactly the right time and suddenly you feel yourself releasing a breath you never knew you had held. You feel relief envelop you, their words cradling you, that suddenly its ok to have needed something that much, even when you had no idea moments before that you did.
Of course, whether an interaction leaves you broken or cradled you never say it – you never share. The admission sitting between you as real as the air you both breathe. Maybe it’s for the best – how do you admit to someone that they have hurt you so deeply just by their inability to share their true feelings, to say the right words? And how do you explain to someone why you could almost cry with relief over what they have just said to you.
Perhaps most people don’t see the unspoken – they blindly go from interaction to interaction, not knowing if the person they are leaving behind is crumbling or blossoming because of them.
Maybe it is an ability to see the unspoken that makes me want to say and hear everything. You cannot take back words once spoken but it is harder to say something to people that are no longer around to hear you. Perhaps it is because I know how short time really is that I realise that words left unsaid will haunt you far more than anything you do say.
I share so much of myself with you because i need you to see me - i need to feel real. I want you to know the depths of who i am - and still love me. And i want to know all of you - there is nothing that you could tell me that will change how i feel about you - no secret you can share, no desire that is too dark. Our paths are forever entwined.