Spoken Death

if some of you recognize who i am after reading this- keep your big mouth shut. i enjoy being "anonymous"...

once again i hang myself with my words, every sentence another knot on the noose, every feeling an inch closer towards the edge of the chair. i throw all i am am into the wind and watch as the meaning writhes, twists and tangles, colliding with the thoughts in your head. i pray only for a brief moment for the limb to snap, hoping maybe the collapsing synapses will shut off this uncontrollable spew of heartache guided proclamations.

nothing is coming out clearly, the broken silences only giving nails to the grim reaper of emotions. why do i keep digging my own grave instead of shutting up? i have to tell you how i feel, hoping it will make me feel better inside. i pushed you farther away, and once again you are the one in control. you're the one left to throw roses on top of the casket, while i am being buried alive, my mouth stitched shut. so much to say and no words to get it out of my head. it's a slow death.

i practiced that moment for so long, i really had, and yet i was the failed actress committing suicide on cue- slashing razor blades across tender flesh as the words rolled out of my mouth. i watched you retreat into the shadows of the stage, not caring anymore after I'd spoken, then when i started. the perceived brilliance of my honesty, the sheer pain of my unreciprocated love, they were supposed to be enough to change your mind, but i bled my heart for the sake of what seemed like speaking  and that alone. there was no ovation, there will be no encore.

my body bares the blunt of my missing you. PANE I'm ready to release up the chimney stacks.  i find myself in a fiery battle in my heart and mind. now i have the expressions!!! NOW!! i have them now! now- that you are not here. i am searing and combusting within the crematory fires inside myself, fueled by my stupidity and inabilities to realize when you are like the world, ready to burn me.

i have no protection from you. you compromise me, exploit my vulnerability, revel in my uncomfort, make me dance before you without realizing the feelings i hold in my heart, and then you brush me from you like crumbs from the table. as i try to worship you, you condemn me. you condemn me like a thieving court jester to a life in the catacombs, the cellars of torture. you ease me from your life- when all i am looking for is your heart.

lostcancerian lostcancerian
36-40, F
1 Response May 21, 2007

thank you scamutz for taking the time to read my poem. it means a lot! :)