The overheated light bulb lighted the room with a musky yellow color. The small girl, laying on the creaky old bed right under the horrendous light, squinted up at the light and rubbed her eyes, making the eyeliner surrounding her caramel colored eyes smudge, she sighed going back to her literature homework. Marilyn Manson’s ‘sweet dreams’ played on her laptop next to her. She hummed to the music, getting lost in her daydreams. She closed her eyes, content and relaxed, and smiled, smiled for the first time in years. She brought her hands up to her face and touched the sides of her mouth, not used to the feeling. Her family, or people the young girl was forced to live with, had left for a cruise and forgotten to buy a ticket for the 6th child in their family. A terror-filled scream awoke the unwanted girl from her unconcerned state of mind. There was a picture of a woman with a knife through her eye in the screen of her old, slow laptop. She grimaced at the sight and shakily tried to close out the screen. She touched every key that still worked but nothing happened. She closed her eyes and took 10 deep breaths. When she opened them again the picture was gone and the ending credits to Marilyn’s video were on. She relaxed back in her bed and tried to fall asleep.
The young girl awoke to whispers of her name. “Scarlet…..Scarlet…you must d…Scarlet..” Scarlet looked around her room too afraid to talk back. A popping sound came from the ceiling and shards of blistering hot glass fell on her legs making her yelp in pain. Scarlet felt a warm liquid run down her neck and arms wrap around her waist. She stayed very still. The arms around her waist wound around her tighter making it hard for Scarlet to breathe, she looked down yet saw no arms around her petite body. She could feel the liquid run down her back then felt it coming down from her neck and Scarlet saw the crimson warm liquid stained her white shirt. What looked, and smelled a lot like blood dripped down the walls and creating a red river on the floor. A demonic laughter filled the room. Scarlet gasped for breath and scratched at her throat. She tried to scream but it all came out as soft whimpers. She fell backwards, her head falling to the left side. Her eyes widened in fear as she saw a deformed figure on top of her squeezing her throat with its black long hand and grinning down at her with yellow teeth and blood filled holes for eyes. As Scarlet took her last pain-filled breaths, the creature laughed and disappeared, the blood still falling to the floor.
3 weeks later Scarlet’s family came to a house that reeked of death. As the siblings went up to their sisters room, to brag about how amazing their trip was and how she needed to find the source of that smell and clean it up, they screamed. Laying on the bed was Scarlet’s rotting body with a large kitchen knife held tight in her left hand.
The Police filed the report under suicide since there were no signs of struggle.
dyingbythemoments dyingbythemoments
2 Responses Feb 16, 2013

Calm down breath. Youre beginning to scare me, friend. :(

its just a story! im sorry!

You trying to give me nightmares? Spooky stuff. I think you said you were still working on this one so I guess I can be a little mean?
The substance is all there so thats a good start. Whats missing is detail. You have added a good deal of description to se the scene but much more is needed.
For example. 'A popping sound came from the damp stained ceiling and shards of blistering hot glass fell on the skin of her bare, legs making her yelp in pain.
There are also a fe things that need padding out a little. The most glaring being. 'the blood still falling to the floor. 3 weeks later Scarlet’s family came to a house that reeked of death.
Three whole weeks just like that and nothing happened in all that time? Jus a little fill in detail here would have made al the difference.
Keep going with it though. I'd like to read it again when you are done with it.

I'm sorry! most of my stories are spooky. yes I'm still working on it, especially the details part. I'm breaking the story down so I can fix it little by little. Be as mean as you want I don't really mind. I'm thinking of quitting writing though, I stopped for about 2 months and it is quite hard to continue.

Nah. Not good at being mean really though that coud change it you go and quit. Why give u something you enjoy. Besides. Suppose you get something published and it brings in some money. You could put that towards tuition fees at med school or something and help you avoid bigs debts later.
Good idea to break it down and work on it that way. Sounds more like I should be coming to you for advice. You seemed pretty clued up on this stuff.
By the way. Just kidding about the nightmares. My normal reads include Stephen King, Dean R Kootz and James Herbert amongst others so no worries there.

with all the mistakes I make, nothing is going to get published.
yeah breaking it down helps you see the story differently and when you put it all together, you have a better story. My Biomedical teacher taught me how to write when I would finish my work.
My normal read is Edgar Allan Poe, and sometimes Rick Riordan to satisfy the child in me.

I am oout of my class here I think. To clever for me.
Mistakes are just natures way of telling us we need more practice

what do you mean to clever for you, sir?
I try to make as little mistakes as possible, I feel the less mistakes I makes when writing the bigger chance I have at not messing up in life in the future because right now I mess up a lot.

Ok. I think we have a little confusion here. I am assuming from you last question that you are not in the UK so that cultural difference thing is going to have its usual effect.
To explain. What I mean was that you are young and yet have more knowledge and insight than I would expect from one of your age.
This is not intended as a slight in any way. It is a good that you are so knowledgeable. You should be proud of that. You are right when you say you can learn from reading and writing but still, all knowledge can not be gained this way. Some things you need to experience in person and I'm afraid 'messing up' is all part of what it means to be human.
If you make mistakes in life but don't learn from them, then you will have problems. If however, you do learn from your mistakes you will be a better person all round and in time will be able to use you own mistakes to help others deal with their's. Ironically, this will also make you a better writer too.
Talk to you folks. It is likely the will ave a whole world of experience that you can tap into and most parents are only too happy to pass on what they have learned.

yes, I am not in the UK, I am in the US.
Thank you, I am always working hard to be top in my class because intelligence does not come natural to me. I must work quite hard for it. I am very scared to go out an experience things on my own, that is why I read the experiences from a character in a book sir, but if it will improve my writing I guess I'll give it a try.
My parents and I don't get along, and frankly I am to afraid to talk to them. My 'father' figure is my brother, he raised me, but yet he is to young himself to pass on what he has learned.
so I guess I have to experience it and mess up on my own.

You cannot work hard at intelligence. You either have it or you don't. In your case, you evidently do, so stop putting yourself down. Sorry to hear you don't get on with your parents, I hope that changes in the future. At least you have your brother so that is something. I do not know how old you are but perhaps you and he could join a club of some kind. That way if they all go out you will be in a group of people and thus, less vulnerable and still get to see a bit of the world. If I can help in any way please do let me know. Same goes for your brother. He is taking on a lot so could probably use some backup too.

I am 13 years old, he is the young age of 19, turning 20 soon. I don't want to be a burden while he is out having fun with friends. I rather stay home and read. Thank you Sir! I very much appreciate it.

Now I feel bad. Not your fault at all. Big softie I am if I am honest. I hate to see injustice of any kind, especially when it is on one so young. I wish I could do more than offer words but that is all I have. Were I religious I would prey for you, but I am not so I will settle for sending you my best wished that this somehow turns out right. Take care of yourself and remember I am here if you ever need to talk.
As a final thought. As you and your brother are so close and he is officially an adult, you may want to let him in on our conversation. You should always tell someone when you are speaking online to an adult, just to make sure you keep yourself safe. Not everybody is as the seem unfortunately.

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