My Letter To The Woman Who Thought It Was Okay To Sleep With My Husband.

Here is the letter that I wrote to the other woman. The other woman that is in my circle of friends and family. The one that I have to see often.

Dear ?.

This is a difficult letter to write because I don't like confrontation and I don't like sounding like a whiny ***** either. However, I do have some things that I need to say to you that have been a long time coming. So, I hope you'll read this.

For the past couple of years the thought of seeing you at ...'s, or worse, seeing you and ? together at ...'s has made me sick to my stomach. I have worried I'll do something stupid and cause a scene during a family function. On the flip side, I worry that I will never say anything to you at all, which would simply make me bitter and resentful. Either scenario sucks, and I'm angry that I have been put in this situation.

I love going to ...y's. I have made myself walk out twice to avoid a fight only to appear hysterical because no one knows that you and ? have hooked up while he was with me. Adding to the fire, neither one of you has bothered to stand up and take responsibility. You just allow me to look like I'm jealous, insecure and hypersensitive in order to preserve your integrity.

Let me get right to the point... Why were you with ? when you knew about me and the kids? Maybe you didn't know me personally when it first happened. I'm sure ? didn't say a lot of good about me back then, but over the years you did get to know me. You knew that I was around, that I was pregnant/raising his kids and that I was in love with him. Call me naive, but I thought we got along pretty well, you and I. I considered you a friend. I recognise that you both drank a lot when together, but that's not a good enough excuse to me. Did you think **** R, she doesn't matter? Because that's how it seems to me.

You disrespected me. Then you disrespected me again and again by coming into my home and acting like you were my friend. I called you to talk to you about what was going on, I asked you to call me "woman to woman", but you didn't. In fact, you called ? instead. I even asked your sister. No one was honest with me, everyone knew that this was driving me crazy, everyone knew the truth, but no one cared enough to tell me. To this day, you have never said anything to me. My anger is not only directed at you. I have plenty of anger and resentment toward ?. I don't trust him or his impulse control while drunk. He and his alcoholism have put the kids and me through a lot of unnecessary bullshit, and I've allowed it because of my upbringing. I don't know what will happen.

But that's not your problem.

When you approached me at the baby's party, part of me wanted to give you a hug and talk to you. The other part of me wanted to throw you into the water and **** you up. So it's awkward, right? Am I just supposed to get over it without ever letting you know how your actions affected me? Maybe to you, it wasn't a big deal. Maybe infidelity doesn't bother you... I don't know.

This entire situation has caused me to, at times, question my sanity, question the time I have devoted to my relationship, and question who my friends really are. I believed people that I trusted only to find out how gullible I can be.

I trusted you and I trusted ?. The two of you made a fool out of me and worse, your actions made me feel unworthy, unlovable and very, very stupid. Do you get it? Maybe he just a familiar sloppy hook up to you, but to the kids and me, he completes our family. We actually love him.

Obviously this still affects me. Thinking about this has taken valuable time away from my kids and my life, and I want to be done with it. I believe that you haven't been together for a long time, but I don't know. Regardless, until you know how your actions made me feel, I'm stuck. I've tried to get over it, but it always comes back up, especially around the holidays. I would have loved the opportunity to tell you this in person, but I don't think I could have done so rationally or non-violently. I'm not trying to sound like some threatening "bad ***", because I'm not like that. I just need to be completely honest with you. This has been bottled up inside me for so long and I have wanted to knock you out.

Having said all of this, I don't want to hate you or hold onto this animosity any more. I can't keep it inside any more and hope it'll just go away. It's toxic and I'm tired of thinking about it. It's such a waste of my time. I'm writing to you so that I can let it go. It's time to focus on the future.

So, as long as ? and I are together, and as long as nothing like that ever happens again, I consider this in the past. I will be friendly and normal. I like you as a person and more than anything, I want the holidays to be free of hostility and angst.

So, that's it. I hope you were able to make it to the end. If you ever want to talk to me about this, feel free.

I imagine that I will see you at Thanksgiving.

Sincerely,
R

She has never talked to me about this. We still see one another at holidays and birthdays, and we always say hello. I don't waste my time trying to keep my eye on the two of them anymore, and they don't pay each other any special attention either. She often seems upset, because I've been told that her boyfriend (the same one she had while she slept with my husband) is controlling. I wish I could derive some pleasure from her unhappiness, but I can't . It's actually quite sad.
I will always think that she copped out by not acknowledging her f up & apologizing to me, only because we do have to socialize. Her sister is married to my husbands best friend. Plus my husband's best friend's mother is "mom" to my husband.
But she doesn't owe me anything.
I did get an apology, remorse and ownership of what he had done from my husband and he has been faithful ever since.
Most importantly is that I have honored what I wrote in my letter. Forgiveness is not easy, and I think coming to terms with it is a better way of putting it. I have been cordial and for the most part, I have let it go. Not for either one of them, but for me and my children. Trust is built over time, and he's been good. Nothing is set in stone though. I don't think I will ever be able to truly trust anyone like I could before this affair. That sense they took from me.
Having said all of that. I'm fine and I will continue to be fine. Because the one thing they did give to me was strength & and an awareness that I didn't have before.
rottenrobi rottenrobi
46-50, F
6 Responses May 12, 2012

I admire ur strength and composure. Not only are you a badass but an intelligent badass. I usually end up fighting then going to jail, ultimately looking like a psycho. Thank you fr sharing this...Im sorry If my post seemed offensive in any way.

No offense at all. I've been to jail because of this idiot too... but that's a long time ago. Thank you for the compliments, and for writing.

I second that forgiveness, or even "coming to terms" as you put it, is one of the hardest roads for a soul to travel. That said, I admire your strength, and your courage in getting through this ordeal. Goes to show that what they say must be true in this case.

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."

Thank you! I can honestly say that he hasn't stepped out on me again, and I haven't seen her in awhile. Taking this stance was the best choice for me. I really appreciate your comment.

My wife cheated on me with my best friend..A guy who I trusted with my thoughts.If your ex has family they have troubles with alcoholism as well I think.Because her whole bunch drink like there is no tomorrow..Meanwhile the arsehole moved to another province away from her after he left his wife..Am I bitter ..YES a little and glad to have moved on and realize men are not all that common in Newfoundland where woman out number the men 10 to one..She is single now .

There is nothing positive about cheating. I don't know of anyone that has been through it that doesn't come away with resentment & bitterness. It's truly scandalous in any situation, but yours my friend? Is over the top. I'm sorry, that couldn't have been easy at all. And I'm glad to hear your're in a bevy of women. (of course she is single)

You are welcome and we experience a lot of the same! Don't ever believe "once a Chester , always a cheater", I mean talk about categorizing people! Wow. Everyone is different and every relationship is different.<br />
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If y'all are committed and want this to work then it will;)

Isabelle46, I love your comments. They often surprise me, in a really good way. I think your story is one that should be heard. So quick are people to throw relationships away. I just can't imagine starting over. I could, i'm sure, but why. My guy and I have been through it. But, we talk, I cry and get a little crazy, he listens and retreats and then we're back on track. We respect each other more because of this , I think. It's not easy, but we do love one another. <br />
I have never thought the old saying of, "once a cheater, always a cheater". was true. Don't get me wrong, my eyes are wide open, but enough time has passed, and he is behaving. Truthfully, I don't want to monitor him. That's not me or my responsibility. I need him to do right and all will be fine. <br />
I feel lucky that we can even joke about it now. Not directly about her or him, but something will come up on tv or in a movie that is a similar situation and we'll catch either other looking at each other and crack up. <br />
People are not perfect. Even my "other woman". She's got issues & will always be a few arms lengths away. I'm can't lie, this is one woman that I wanted to cause harm to, physically. But that's not cool either. I really had to work through those feelings, because they were what I felt the strongest. I was furious at my husband, but the desire to inflict pain on her was scary. But, I'm over that too. Time does have a way. . . <br />
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I to have great respect for you as well. Thank you for commenting. It means a lot.

Great letter! You truly are handling this situation by taking the high road for your sanity, your children and obviously because you still love him.<br />
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Trust me when I say it WILL get better! It takes a lot of time and learning to trust again. I believe as long as he doesn't do anything like this again and respects your feelings about it, by that I also mean allows you to "watch" him a little closer, keep tabs on him (not obsessively), things will slowly change and you won't feel a need to do that anymore. Believe it or not something like this can bring two people even closer. I think it's because the other party realizes what they did to you and the family and are truly sorry. Their behavior changes in a very endearing and loving way because of guilt, sorrow and so on.<br />
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I've been through it and things will never be like they were before but truly, honestly they can be even better! The bonds get stronger!<br />
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If it happened again though, well that's the "risk" you take. But what we did at the time was decide never to talk about it, never bring it up in arguments, etc. it was decided to let this be a new beginning, let the past go. That was 15 years ago! Still going strong.<br />
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We have our problems and every once in a while the party injured will get a little possessive, but it passes quickly.<br />
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Hang in there because if you truly love and believe that it was a horrible one time mistake, than that's what it was.<br />
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However, in dealing with her? She's obviously got "issues". In my opinion best to keep her at arms length and cause no trouble, for your kids sake. Sounds like you have done alot of this. You should hold that head up and be proud for what you've been through and how you're dealing with it! I have a tremendous amount of respect for you:)