A Way Like Another

It's an idea that changes from the tests, but I won't criticize tests because even stupid questions can lead to insightful answers.


I have the feeling there's a lot to say, and in the same time nothing special. If I'm very honest I'm mostly doing that as an exercise, as I've been traveling inside to reach my very core, and understand it, and the result is like the relativity effect when a body bursts, in space you notice better, it looks to be starting from nothing and grows, like the form of that cleverness game, the diabolo. It's the same, it goes deeper in knowledge inside, and outside too. So the first thing I could say is I believe in growth, in other possibilities, in the power of the spirit, in original minds, in difference and variety in people.

Maybe my different childhood made of me free-thinker, unusual to others' eyes, and different, though I'm not so sure about that. I think others lived difficult and different things like me, and that in the end they fit better to the "normal" stream of thoughts, I like that expression. I think we're born a certain way, we evolve, but there's definitely roots to our temperament, we all have a nature. So I grew up from one place to another, people to others, and I don't belong anywhere, I don't feel anywhere home, and I feel home a bit everywhere I feel good. There's bad, and good in that. I lived violence as a child, witnessed violence as a child, and emotional manipulations, plus lies as I grew up, about my identity; and some major losses. I knew violence as a grown-up, but somehow, I'm healing better from it than from these in childhood. So I guess a part of me is always "aware", or on guard, and I have trust issues. I work on that, but it's long, and slow, and there're steps backward at times. Happily I also had good things, an intellectual grand-father who allowed me to be what I was, and my father around, thinking of me, though I wasn't allowed to know him. These are things that in spite of rejection remain printed, and definitely can keep you going, and growing. One more stuff is, I've got gut feelings, and when I feel some thing's fishy, it is often. About people a lot, I know when they lie, and it is hurtful. 

But I don't give up, it's a trait I have. Even when I pause, think about it, put myself in question, often, if i really believe in something, think it's a good thing, am drawn to it, I'll come back to it, and will be very stubborn to accomplish my goal. I can give up if I think it was something not important, and that it's possible to find a better solution for everybody. If I agree. If I disagree, and I'm not heard although I heard the others, I can stand firmly on my POV and be closed-minded. There's a paradox in me about people, I would like the best for all of us, human rights to be respected, I want that it's a world for humans and not money or profits, and in the same time, I don't really like people because I think they screw everything. I've got lots of values, and a high standard way, honesty, loyalty, truth, share, and others, I'm very hard on myself, on a daily basis, and I'm often disappointed by others. But sometimes I'm amazed by the strenght they can have and their bravery too. To be stubborn often irritates people in front, you're called names, but also it gives you the strenght not to give up on your partner at the first problem or dispute and to nurture a special relationship. BTW, there're other things that irritate, I like to do things my way when it's for me, even when I'm wrong, and go at my pace, slow Lol

For all that above, trust issues, fear of disruptive people, live in a world of ideas, and perfectionism, I'm mostly a loner. I like quiet, nature, animals, reading, I'm a writer, so I don't mind loneliness, unless it lasts too long. I need to be close to people, but few of them, people with whom I must share an incredible spiritual connection, something wordless and indescribable. I love foreign languages, and I'm attracted to foreign people, to know about other things, especially if they promote a peaceful, spiritual and respectful (of each others, of Nature) way of life. I would like to know more about Native Americans. I heard about a tribe, I don't remember its name, they're not NA, they live in the jungle, and they were raised and perpetrates a non-violent way to live, and there's no violence there because their children don't know what it is. I found that surreal when I thought about the earth in general. It's a dream of mine. I think I'm a dreamer, an idealist to some point. I love to dream, it gives me new ideas. I love daydreaming, it gives me strenght, and a will to be good. I'd like to inject that in my second job, educator, i work with children, and I want them to open their minds, and see how things can be different from what you see of them.

I have also bad moments and whiles, of withdrawing, pessimism, that nothing will ever happen, that's it's too hard, too complicated, that I'm unloved, that I wasn't meant to be born, I can become worried, anxious, and very negative, because I see too high, and when you see high, it's difficult to reach it in some steps, you really have to achieve it, to deserve it. On the moment it's terrible to live it, because I'm deeply emotional, but then you are more aware, and sure of what you want, and that you're doing the right thing, if it permits you to make you grow. I tend to bottle up a lot, what makes things internally dramatic. At worse I'm reclusive, and nothing is worth it, not even my life, I'm very critical, at best it's an incredible strenght, like angels bearing me, walking on sunshine, everything is beautiful, I'm poetic and distracted. I'm bad with money, meaning before i didn't even make my counts.

Things I do when I don't work: I'm on the PC, I'm quiet at home, or I go to ride the bike, do some skate, walk, if the weather is cool, go to the park, see the animals, make photographs, draw. I listen to music very often. I think it's my way of expression, better than writing there's music. I like also to spend time with close friends, at home, at their place, going to the restaurant once in a while. I spend lots of time with my partner, we share ideas, we go to the movies, we play video games. Or go for a drive. I have a cat, very crazy. I live in an apartment with my partner. We're not rich, especially me, but I'm not a money, or materialistic person, and my partner's not either, we have simple taste for clothes and furniture, but we like to spend our money for our passions. Mostly intellectual stuff, technology (don't imagine a theater for movies when I say that, we can't afford it, but cables crossing the room at times), books, music, movies. We love humor, and have a good laugh, eat, sleep, quite simple, but essential things. We love to watch series, some we have in common (House, the shield, Earl, scrubs, the Simpsons, family guy, American dad, tripping the rift, etc), and some alone (X-Files or MillenniuM). XF, and more MM are very spiritual and smart. People find I've got from Scully, in terms of temperament/ character, but if there's one character I feel closer to, maybe in more introverted, it's Jordan Black. I feel closer to her childhood maybe, and I believe my father is psychic, or more developed skills like Frank Black does. I know XF better, but MM inspires me more. 

Although I was broken several times in my life, I remain hopeful to accomplish my goals, and I'm still working on them. I still want to be a writer, and published why not? I think that even if I can live of my writings in the future, I'll still go on thinking education, of all children, and grown-ups too, is something very important, and will be involved in such things. I still hope I'll have answers about my origins one day. I evolved a lot on that, it was dark before, now it's light. I think it's a challenge to change, grow, but in the same time remain who you are, and that's my main goal in life I believe.


To be updated...

deleted deleted
3 Responses Jan 12, 2009

This is where I saw you first.

You are my kind of author, no bull$hit.

You are a great writer, have you ever published anything?