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Where I Am Today

I am a young woman who is passionate about the things I believe in.  I believe in love, I believe in equality, I believe in freedom, I believe in compassion. 

I believe in education, in thinking, in reading, in having curiosity about the world around me and in having curiosity about the people in it.  I do not like facile answers and I do not believe there is much that is black and white.  I see shades and I see colors and I believe that the world is made up of many shades and hues and gradations of colors… black and white philosophies and viewpoints make me nervous.

I love being a woman.  I love having the ability to give birth to life.  I love the fact that my body has a cycle that is influenced by the world around me, by nature.  I love the fact that my gender makes me a part of the dark mysteries of blood, birth and death.  I love the freedom that my gender gives me to openly adore babies, flowers, scents, colors, fabrics, and romance.  I do adore these things and luxuriate in them. 

I am a woman who loves love.  I have perhaps pursued love in its physical, mental and emotional aspects too often and too freely, but that is me.  I have had lovers since I was 15 years old and while there were a few that I truly do regret having had, I can also say that they all contributed to who I am today.  I know that it is impossible to shut the door on my past, but I also do not have to live in it.  Each of my lovers has taught me something, even if, in a few cases, it is a negative.

I have recently come to terms with some truths about myself that I had long denied.  I now know that many of my relationships were probably doomed to failure from the start as I now know that I have stronger emotional and physical bonds with women than with men.  I believe this to be innate, something I was born with, but I see no real merit in arguing about it.  This is a simple fact about me, and one which I have now accepted and admit openly to.  I am head over heels in love with someone right now.  Passionately in love with her.  I hope and pray this feeling lasts forever.  I have never felt like this before, even when I have been in love before. 

I love the forests, the mountains, and the lakes in them.  I love to walk in the woods and sit quietly in them.  I feel close to my Higher Power there than anywhere else.  I love seeing the animals in the woods when they either don’t see me or see me and accept my presence among them.

I love reading, I love music, and I love just being alone with my books and music sometimes.  I need time to myself, time to meditate and yes, time to pray.  I never try and push my beliefs about my Higher Power onto anyone else.  Never. 

I am still looking for myself.  I do not yet know who I am to become.  I would like to find my career, my calling.  I know I have not yet found it.  Because of that, I feel incomplete.  I am sad sometimes, inexplicably sad.  I recognize that I have been blessed many times over, so the sadness is difficult to acknowledge and impossible to justify.  I was raised by a warm, loving, intelligent, fun-filled man who taught me to be proud of myself.  He raised me in a wonderful house, with good meals and fine relatives.  I have my health, a job, friends, and a lover.  What else could I need?

Most important to me though is that I have come to accept myself and to love myself as I am.  I accept my faults which are many and I also accept that I have talents.  I accept that I can love and perhaps because of that, I accept that I can be loved.

SaratogaGirl SaratogaGirl 26-30, F 6 Responses Jan 21, 2009

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You are an amazing person Saratoga,



I never thought such understanding and passion was possible at your age. Thank you very much for sharing.

Autimom, I always read your stories with eager anticipation because I always know they will be wonderful, mature, and full of wisdom!

Loved this story, Sara. I could have written much of it myself!



I wish I had the wisdom you seem to have when I was your age. It took me until my 30's to know myself like you seem to know you.



You are beautiful.

Big {{{HUG}}} to you Whuttup!

Imagine a world...



where more people were as reflective and accepting as our Saratoga...



a world where people accepted themselves and their natural desires without guilt or shame...



a world where everyone simply sought out happiness for themselves and the ones they loved, without condemning others...



a world where people loved nature because it is precious...



a world of love.



Yes, that would be a beautiful world.



Until we get there we'll have to make do with the great ones we find along the way... people like Saratoga.

Wow, moo. No fair taking my breath away. I love you too, and I hope you keep on being you... your posts make my day more often than you know!