Where I Am Today
I am a young woman who is passionate about the things I believe in. I believe in love, I believe in equality, I believe in freedom, I believe in compassion.
I believe in education, in thinking, in reading, in having curiosity about the world around me and in having curiosity about the people in it. I do not like facile answers and I do not believe there is much that is black and white. I see shades and I see colors and I believe that the world is made up of many shades and hues and gradations of colors… black and white philosophies and viewpoints make me nervous.
I love being a woman. I love having the ability to give birth to life. I love the fact that my body has a cycle that is influenced by the world around me, by nature. I love the fact that my gender makes me a part of the dark mysteries of blood, birth and death. I love the freedom that my gender gives me to openly adore babies, flowers, scents, colors, fabrics, and romance. I do adore these things and luxuriate in them.
I am a woman who loves love. I have perhaps pursued love in its physical, mental and emotional aspects too often and too freely, but that is me. I have had lovers since I was 15 years old and while there were a few that I truly do regret having had, I can also say that they all contributed to who I am today. I know that it is impossible to shut the door on my past, but I also do not have to live in it. Each of my lovers has taught me something, even if, in a few cases, it is a negative.
I have recently come to terms with some truths about myself that I had long denied. I now know that many of my relationships were probably doomed to failure from the start as I now know that I have stronger emotional and physical bonds with women than with men. I believe this to be innate, something I was born with, but I see no real merit in arguing about it. This is a simple fact about me, and one which I have now accepted and admit openly to. I am head over heels in love with someone right now. Passionately in love with her. I hope and pray this feeling lasts forever. I have never felt like this before, even when I have been in love before.
I love the forests, the mountains, and the lakes in them. I love to walk in the woods and sit quietly in them. I feel close to my Higher Power there than anywhere else. I love seeing the animals in the woods when they either don’t see me or see me and accept my presence among them.
I love reading, I love music, and I love just being alone with my books and music sometimes. I need time to myself, time to meditate and yes, time to pray. I never try and push my beliefs about my Higher Power onto anyone else. Never.
I am still looking for myself. I do not yet know who I am to become. I would like to find my career, my calling. I know I have not yet found it. Because of that, I feel incomplete. I am sad sometimes, inexplicably sad. I recognize that I have been blessed many times over, so the sadness is difficult to acknowledge and impossible to justify. I was raised by a warm, loving, intelligent, fun-filled man who taught me to be proud of myself. He raised me in a wonderful house, with good meals and fine relatives. I have my health, a job, friends, and a lover. What else could I need?
Most important to me though is that I have come to accept myself and to love myself as I am. I accept my faults which are many and I also accept that I have talents. I accept that I can love and perhaps because of that, I accept that I can be loved.