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Where I Am Today

I am a young woman who is passionate about the things I believe in.  I believe in love, I believe in equality, I believe in freedom, I believe in compassion. 

I believe in education, in thinking, in reading, in having curiosity about the world around me and in having curiosity about the people in it.  I do not like facile answers and I do not believe there is much that is black and white.  I see shades and I see colors and I believe that the world is made up of many shades and hues and gradations of colors… black and white philosophies and viewpoints make me nervous.

I love being a woman.  I love having the ability to give birth to life.  I love the fact that my body has a cycle that is influenced by the world around me, by nature.  I love the fact that my gender makes me a part of the dark mysteries of blood, birth and death.  I love the freedom that my gender gives me to openly adore babies, flowers, scents, colors, fabrics, and romance.  I do adore these things and luxuriate in them. 

I am a woman who loves love.  I have perhaps pursued love in its physical, mental and emotional aspects too often and too freely, but that is me.  I have had lovers since I was 15 years old and while there were a few that I truly do regret having had, I can also say that they all contributed to who I am today.  I know that it is impossible to shut the door on my past, but I also do not have to live in it.  Each of my lovers has taught me something, even if, in a few cases, it is a negative.

I have recently come to terms with some truths about myself that I had long denied.  I now know that many of my relationships were probably doomed to failure from the start as I now know that I have stronger emotional and physical bonds with women than with men.  I believe this to be innate, something I was born with, but I see no real merit in arguing about it.  This is a simple fact about me, and one which I have now accepted and admit openly to.  I am head over heels in love with someone right now.  Passionately in love with her.  I hope and pray this feeling lasts forever.  I have never felt like this before, even when I have been in love before. 

I love the forests, the mountains, and the lakes in them.  I love to walk in the woods and sit quietly in them.  I feel close to my Higher Power there than anywhere else.  I love seeing the animals in the woods when they either don’t see me or see me and accept my presence among them.

I love reading, I love music, and I love just being alone with my books and music sometimes.  I need time to myself, time to meditate and yes, time to pray.  I never try and push my beliefs about my Higher Power onto anyone else.  Never. 

I am still looking for myself.  I do not yet know who I am to become.  I would like to find my career, my calling.  I know I have not yet found it.  Because of that, I feel incomplete.  I am sad sometimes, inexplicably sad.  I recognize that I have been blessed many times over, so the sadness is difficult to acknowledge and impossible to justify.  I was raised by a warm, loving, intelligent, fun-filled man who taught me to be proud of myself.  He raised me in a wonderful house, with good meals and fine relatives.  I have my health, a job, friends, and a lover.  What else could I need?

Most important to me though is that I have come to accept myself and to love myself as I am.  I accept my faults which are many and I also accept that I have talents.  I accept that I can love and perhaps because of that, I accept that I can be loved.

SaratogaGirl SaratogaGirl 26-30, F 6 Responses Jan 21, 2009

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You are an amazing person Saratoga,<br />
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I never thought such understanding and passion was possible at your age. Thank you very much for sharing.

Autimom, I always read your stories with eager anticipation because I always know they will be wonderful, mature, and full of wisdom!

Loved this story, Sara. I could have written much of it myself! <br />
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I wish I had the wisdom you seem to have when I was your age. It took me until my 30's to know myself like you seem to know you. <br />
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You are beautiful.

Big {{{HUG}}} to you Whuttup!

Imagine a world...<br />
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where more people were as reflective and accepting as our Saratoga... <br />
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a world where people accepted themselves and their natural desires without guilt or shame...<br />
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a world where everyone simply sought out happiness for themselves and the ones they loved, without condemning others... <br />
<br />
a world where people loved nature because it is precious...<br />
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a world of love. <br />
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Yes, that would be a beautiful world. <br />
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Until we get there we'll have to make do with the great ones we find along the way... people like Saratoga.

Wow, moo. No fair taking my breath away. I love you too, and I hope you keep on being you... your posts make my day more often than you know!