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Why Am I Here?

so.............i've  been through a lot...........abusive  parents...........not  being able to say anything when everyone kept asking what was upsetting me all through school (my mom's boyfriend threatened to kill me if i told....and if i told my gram (the only person i felt close to growing up).....he threatened to kill her too).............i've been through 3 shrinks..........the  one tried really hard to have me committed.......i had to prove my sanity for 2 hours in the hospital to more people than i can count............that  same one made sure i was put on drugs..........i've wanted to die more than i wanted anything else in the world..........i  was eventually convinced to commit myself (i was told that if i did i could un-commit myself when i wanted out........and that if i didn't.....i would be involuntarily committed soon because i had completely given up even trying to take care of myself and trying to keep myself alive).....

..........i have panic attacks (it feels like i'm going to die.......my whole body hurts.....i have a hard time breathing (i've had medical tests done during and the only thing they find is my pulse is a bit fast.) because every breath brings me more pain(and the only advice "professionals" have is to take deep breaths until they stop)........and i feel all the fear i've felt in my whole life all at once) and flashbacks (i get to watch and sometimes relive my past......only the bad parts that i try all the time to forget.........and they are with all the pain i had when they happened) all the time and there's a good chance that i'll have them for the rest of my life..........

.......i self-harm(intentionally cause myself pain because it was the only think that kept me from committing suicide and helped me deal with all the pain from just remembering my past....i have very few happy childhood memories.....and  none are with my parents)............i've done so much damage to my body.......i'm literally scarred for life...........i've also had infections in the wounds i caused get very close to needing iv antibiotics...........i've even gotten infections that don't occur much outside 3rd world countries.......i currently have to take drugs every day so that i don't try and kill myself....there's a good chance that i'll have to for the rest of my life......i have nightmares every night from the stuff my parents did to me....i probably will for the rest of my life too...........i also keep having nightmares that my 4 siblings that still live with my parents get abused and sometimes beaten to death while i'm physically restrained and can't do anything about it (i've tried reporting them to the authorities...but nothing was done about it....they just keep lying their way out of it)........

...........i've gotten to the point where i can make it through the day with all this going on in my head.....and i still do something with my day..........i'm training to be a 7th to 12 grade math teacher (i actually like math.......it's one of the few things that i had to look forward to growing up.........it doesn't change......1+1=2 today and 100 years ago and until the end of time.............and it's something i can actually control and by following the rules that never change).........my life has been uncertain a lot.......i've gone through large chunks of it not knowing whether or not i would be alive the next day..........the only thing that has been constant and unchanging and predictable for me all my life is math..........i like it.........so...for those of you who think it's gross and i'm crazy for wanting to do it...........you can just deal with it because i like it :P...........

............so why do i have to go through all this?............i think that God put me here so that i can go through all this and become a stronger person.........so that one day.........when i teach.......and there's that kid that always seems to be having a bad day.........and always says no one will understand if they told what was wrong............i can say that i can.........because i've been through a lot too.......and i made it through..........and that kid will talk to me and i'll be able to get them help for what seems to be always wrong.........and i'll make a difference for them..........and if i make a difference in the life of atleast one person............to me...........my life will have mattered.......and there will have been a reason for all this crap i had to go through to get there
whisperinggirl whisperinggirl 18-21, F 2 Responses Jun 6, 2010

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i hate math. but i love it now, because of a courageous witty math teacher here :)

I understand the crazy things gone around in your mind.....i have some things also that randomly show up in my mind and that i cant control and it seems like the room gets smaller...so i leave for a couple days...but....i know what you mean in a way...and i dont think your crazy...but im glad you have a realationship with the lord because he's the only one who can help us who have problems like this...but...never hurt yourself because of someone else. what ever people think about you doesent matter...enless its positive......and...when ever you start having all kinds of crazy thoughts runnin through your head like i do just think of the futer...like...sittin by a river or crick with a nice old boombox playin some lynard skynard ya know.......thats what i do hahahahaha but...talk to the lord as much as you can and ask him to help you and he will...i know this from experience...i used to be alot worse in my head than i am now and i wasent a very nice person at all...and my life totaly sucked...god can change anything if we ask him. he is the key to your success. i allready said a prayer for you...i asked god to help your mind relax and for you to feel his love and confortness......just talk to him at night time before you go to bed ok...and anything in the world you ever want to talk about feel free to send me a message...ill do my best to understand ok.