Special Cases - Massive Attack

I wish my wife would listen to this song...instead of snapping on me in anger without knowing her own reason.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HqgJ5-Wqnqk&feature=related


Sinead O'Connor :

Don't tell your man what he don't do right
Nor tell him all the things that make you cry
But check yourself for your own sh!t
And don't be making out like it's all his

Take a look around the world
You see such bad things happening
There are many good men
Ask yourself is he one of them

The deadliest of sin is pride
Make you feel like you're always right
But there are always two sides
It takes two to make love, two to make a life

Take a look around the world
You see such mad things happening
There are few good men
Thank your lucky star that he's one of them
AbandonedArchangel AbandonedArchangel
26-30, M
10 Responses Jul 11, 2010

SunriseGuardian, thank you for sharing the information from those websites, and I hope they do as much good for you and your wife as I'm hoping they will for me and my husband. Good relationships are truly worth fighting for.<br />
<br />
1. Even though it may be hard to forgive your spouse, not forgiving can cause more harm both emotionally and physically to yourself and to your marriage. Holding a grudge is letting someone else live in your head rent free.<br />
<br />
2. Remember to not fight to win, but to fight for your relationship.<br />
<br />
I must try to be stronger...

chiquita and LadyKiv, thank you for expressing your concerns, that means A LOT to me, you've no idea how comforted I feel knowing that there are people in my life that actually care about preserving marital relationships and friendships, in addition to LadySunset(my best friend). I've considered counseling and I do understand why some people ob<x>ject to the idea. I think they consider it fake becuase they expect to recieve chliche "cooke-cutter" responses from someone that may not even be experienced in marriage and may potentially respond to your issues based on school teachings which doesn't address enough of the unwritten/unspoken emotional dilemma involved with human interaction between couples...in my humble opinion.<br />
<br />
However, what many people fail to realize is that the counselor's purpose isn't so much to tell you the best way to go about your relationship because they are so much wiser. But rather, they serve primarily as a mediator moreso...an outsider that can present unbiased views to help the couple assess themselves because they may be too stubborn to listen to their spouse on a sensitive issue and even unknowingly ignore the points that their mate may be trying to explain. From my point of view, my wife is very arguementaive to the point that it seems like our marriage isn't going to work, but I can atleast say that she is recently putting forth some effort to seek help and agreeing that we have a problem. Below is some good information for any couple that she actually forwarded to me this morning:<br />
<br />
Every married couple will have disagreements. One of the keys to a successful relationship is knowing how to handle conflict. Avoiding conflict, walking on egg shells so to speak, being afraid of rocking the boat, or keeping peace at any price will hurt your marriage.<br />
<br />
How to Handle Conflict in Your Marriage. Here are some ways to handle marital disputes and resolve differences:<br />
<br />
-Make sure you clarify what it is you are discussing. <br />
<br />
-If either of you are too angry to discuss the situation or problem, then set a time to get together later to discuss it. <br />
<br />
-Be flexible and open to other solutions than your own. A willingness to compromise is important. <br />
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-Don't push one another's buttons. Don't be sarcastic or attack one another's self image. <br />
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-Don't interrupt one another. Listen. Be aware of your own body language and what it may be saying. <br />
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-Talk in a calm, respectful voice. Ranting and raving accomplishes nothing. <br />
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-Remember that a fair argument can enhance a marriage. Fight for your marriage, not to win. <br />
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Throughout your marriage there will be times when you need to have "must have" conversations. <br />
<br />
These are the conversations that you both may not want to talk about. <br />
These are conversations about difficult issues and situations.<br />
These are the conversations that may make you both angry, defensive, sad, and hurt.<br />
<br />
Pretending that there is nothing wrong will keep both of you walking on eggshells and will ultimately cause your marriage to fail.<br />
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Having the difficult talk shows you care enough about your spouse and your marriage to have the conversation.<br />
<br />
Here are tips and strategies when you have to have that difficult talk.<br />
<br />
Don't Put Off Having That Difficult Conversation<br />
<br />
-Look at Your Expectations. If you expect the conversation to go badly, it will. If you assume that having the big talk will make the situation worse, it probably will. You need to define your expectations of the conversation and to think in positive terms. <br />
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-Know Why You Want to Have the Talk. Do you want to talk with your spouse about a difficult issue to gain a better understanding of your spouse's perspective on the issue? Do you want to clear up a misunderstanding? Do you need to confront your spouse about a suspected lie or hurtful behavior? Are you concerned about your level of intimacy with one another and want to be closer to your spouse? <br />
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-Accept It Will Probably Be a Stressful Conversation. Although you don't want either one of you to be stressed, hurt, or angered by the conversation, it is important to realize that you both may be defensive and emotional as you talk.<br />
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Ways to Address the Difficult Conversation<br />
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-Don't Say "We Have to Talk." Start your conversation with a statement that acknowledges that the topic is difficult, sensitive, confrontational, or touchy. Clarify that you know that you have different perspectives and that you want to work together to have a better understanding of those perspectives. <br />
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-Suggestions for Beginning the Talk. "I've been thinking about ...", "What do you think about ...", "I'd like to talk about ...", "I want to have a better understanding of your point of view about ..." Don't beat around the bush. Keep it simple. Stay on topic.<br />
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When and Where to Have the Difficult Conversation<br />
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-Don't Manipulate Your Spouse. Don't invite your spouse out to the movies when you really plan on having "the talk" at a restaurant. Be honest.<br />
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-Timing of the Talk. Pick the right time for the conversation. Don't ask your spouse to agree to a time to have the talk without having calmed yourself down first. Don't have a difficult conversation before or after sex.<br />
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-Don't Expect to Have the Talk Immediately. It is important that you give your spouse some time to think about the topic you want to talk about but this shouldn't be postponed for a long time. Mention you would like to have the discussion within 48 hours.<br />
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-Don't Trap Your Spouse. If you have the conversation in the car or on an airplane, etc. you are trapping your spouse.<br />
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-Agree on Where to Have the Talk. Unless your spouse agrees to having the talk in a public location such as a restaurant, take your kids to a babysitter, and have the talk at home.<br />
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Strategies to Use During the Difficult Conversation<br />
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-Show Respect for Your Spouse. Don't speak down to your spouse. Don't assume your spouse knows what you want to talk about. Don't interrupt when your spouse is speaking. <br />
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-Be Aware of Non-verbal Communication. Maintain eye contact. Acknowledge what you hear with the understanding that acknowledgment is not necessarily agreement.<br />
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-Be Prepared. Back up your concerns, thoughts, and ideas with research and facts. Keep your conversation on the topic you agreed to discuss. Don't talk on and on.<br />
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-Reach an Agreement You Both Can Live With. Then set a time to follow-up to see how you are both dealing with the issue.<br />
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-Know When to Get Help. If the issue or situation continues to create problems in your marriage, the two of you may have the need for a counselor or a mediator.<br />
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All married couples have arguments, or rather fights. How you fight is the key to whether or not you will have a successful, long term marriage. <br />
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Fighting fairly with respect for one another is a critical marital skill that you must learn.<br />
The way you fight can often tell psychologists more than what you fight about. <br />
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If done correctly, conflict and healthy, fair fighting, can strengthen your marriage.<br />
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Difficulty: Average<br />
Time Required: No More than 15 minutes -- at that point call a truce and set a time to discuss the issue again.<br />
Here's How:<br />
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1. Don't let little things that bother you build up until one of you explodes the issue into a large fight. That's not fighting fair in your marriage.<br />
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2. If you are angry about something and don't try to talk about it with your spouse within 48 hours, let it go. Otherwise, you are not fighting fair.<br />
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3. If your spouse doesn't want to discuss the matter, set an appointment within the next 24 hours to have your fair fight.<br />
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4. Fighting fair means you know what the issue is. Then, both of you stick to the subject.<br />
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5. Keep your fight between the two of you. Don't bring in third parties like your mother-in-law, his best friend, or your children.<br />
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6. Fighting fair means you don't hit below the belt. Respect your spouse.<br />
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7. Fighting fair means you don't bring up past history.<br />
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8. Fighting fair means no name calling. Even endearing terms and pet names can be hurtful when you are using a sarcastic tone.<br />
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9. Be careful how you use humor. Laughter is good, but teasing can be misinterpreted and can be hurtful.<br />
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10. Listen to one another fully while you fight. This includes watching body language. Look at one another while you speak. <br />
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11. Don't interrupt during your fight.<br />
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12. Fighting fair means you don't blame one another make accusations.<br />
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13. Try to use 'I' sentences instead of 'you' sentences.<br />
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14. If the two of you are not extremely angry, try to hold hands while talking during your fight.<br />
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15. Be open to asking for forgiveness and being willing to forgive.<br />
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Tips:<br />
<br />
1. Even though it may be hard to forgive your spouse, not forgiving can cause more harm both emotionally and physically to yourself and to your marriage. Holding a grudge is letting someone else live in your head rent free.<br />
<br />
2. Remember to not fight to win, but to fight for your relationship.<br />
<br />
3. Conflict is not the problem. All married couples have disagreements. It's not knowing how to effectively argue that creates difficulty in a marriage.<br />
<br />
4. Don't use the words "never" and "always" in your statements to one another. <br />
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5. Do not yell. Do not scream. Do not talk in a threatening tone.<br />
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What You Need:<br />
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-Conflict management skills<br />
<br />
-A sense of fairness<br />
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-Putting your marriage first<br />
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-Willingness to forgive<br />
<br />
-Ability to listen<br />
<br />
-Respect for one another<br />
<br />
-Awareness of when to apologize<br />
<br />
<br />
RESOURCES:<br />
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http://marriage.about.com/cs/conflictandanger/a/couplesfight.htm<br />
<br />
http://marriage.about.com/od/communicationkeys/a/difficulttalk.htm<br />
<br />
http://marriage.about.com/cs/conflictandanger/ht/fightfair.htm

Sorry to hear you're having such a rough time. I'm not deployed and, looking at my own life, I can only imagine how much harder relationship problems must be on the two of you. Hope everything works out in the long run (and the short run.) Counseling may not be a bad idea - I've tried to drag my husband but he problems with how fake they always are. There must be good ones somewhere, though, right?

The army should provide some kind of marital counseling upon your return and I implore you to take advantage of it. It can only help. Deployment (seperation and the overwhelming stress of having a spouse in harms way.) <br />
<br />
I often think about your situation right now. I feel worried about you being hurt. I know it isn't any of my business, but I tend to feel maternal towards my friends and I seriously don't want to see you hurt. I hope you will keep in touch after you come home and things settle a bit. <br />
<br />
BTW, I love Sinead and this is a great song.

Ugh....why do I feel so crappy today. Think it's time I slept. This story is becoming my own little venting page.

Here is the other version of "Psyche", I'm not sure which one I like better, they are both awesome:<br />
<br />
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a8yaVSLJVLA&feature=related

Vittra, I just checked out those links. While I can say that she is an amazing singer, that's not quite so much my style of music. Massive Attack is one of my favorite bands because I have a tendancy to lean towards more mellow music. If you have similiar taste then you may also like the tracks off of Heligoland, like the ones below:<br />
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Psyche http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aEZPu171KJA&feature=related<br />
<br />
Pray For Rain http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EatYdFw3eHo&feature=related<br />
<br />
Atlas Air http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wkO5XA5qi-s&feature=related<br />
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Paradise Cirus http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5bRX2scZ_LU&feature=related<br />
<br />
Girl I Love You http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZyuNAVu2qYg&feature=related

I'm glad you relate, but I also feel like I should apologize because I don't ENTIRELY agree with the lyrics in the first stanza. I posted this song mainly out of frustration, but I don't actually believe that a spouse must (always) restrain herself/himself from telling their significant other about things that make them upset, cry, or angry with them. Granted, it's important to use disrection and avoid the blame game, but I wouldn't say that couples should keep their thoughts and feelings bottled up inside. The key is to communicate gently with one another with a tactful approach, take some responsibility for the arguement or misunderstanding, and not raise your voice, but my spoiled wife is much too belligerant for that and goes straight for the yelling...which definately rubs me the wrong way more than I can tolerate. I get to hear enough yelling in the Army, so it troubles me to no end when I''m forced to see and hear that kind of behavior from the homefront too. I just want Peace outside of my military life, is that asking a lot?Hmm, in any case I'm wrong right now for speaking about her in a negative light when I should actually keep this stuff to myself.

check this out...she is an amazing singer!<br />
http://www.facebook.com/freyiamusic<br />
http://www.myspace.com/freyiamusic

Beautiful lyrics in an odd sort of way, and very true. I've been having many arguments with my husband lately and feel like you--that I'm getting blamed for everything.