Being 50

I decided that I ought to do something frivolous and puerile if I get to 50, and I’m not really into going to Prague with my non-existent mates and getting a prostitute, I can’t afford a sportscar or botox, and I’m not married so I can’t have an affair.  Instead I’ve decided to relive a childish Clint Eastwood fantasy and shoot stuff.  There are ranges, I’ve heard, with targets.  I have no idea how much such a thing costs but I’ve never shot a proper gun.  Maybe they have machine guns and bazookas.  Mayhem might be my middle name.  I can hope. 

Additionally, I was staring at my EP profile one day and a group/story/whatever floated by the corner of my eye entitled ‘I want to shoot a piano a day’.  ******* Yes!!!! Me Too!!!   Mindless and wanton destruction.  Brilliant.  That’s exactly what I need.  I’ll join that group. 

I was sadly disappointed on arrival, to be in a group of people who take photos.  Tree Huggers, mostly.  Not very Gung Ho.  And now, even though I KNOW it’s called ‘I want to shoot a photo a day’ I can’t get the other thing out of my head.

My head said ‘Go shoot’ and my heart says ‘A piano’.  It’s left brain/right brain but I’m saying Head and Heart to sound more human.  When I’m 50 I want to shoot a piano.  That’s what my subconscious is telling me to do, and I’m of a mind to let it happen.

It will make an awesome noise, surely?  I’m tempted to write an orchestral piece, with an overture, especially for the occasion.  50 gunshots, one piano.  Splintered wood, twanging.  In bFlat.  I could do with the testosterone surge.

Unfortunately, whilst I’ve got a piano that needs shooting, the getting a gun bit will be tough.  I could apply for a licence, get a shot gun for protection from pheasants, or urban fox attack.  There’s a questionnaire though, and I’ll need a letter from my Dr.  I’ve had antidepressants, I live on my own, I’m asocial, I work with children, I apparently write blogs like this...  Truth is, I might have to pay a bribe to get one and I’m not flush with cash.  Or, if I knew the right types, I could get a submachine gun for £1000, I’ve heard.  Or I can hire a killer for £2K, but I don’t see the point in letting anyone else have all the fun.  It’s MY birthday, after all.

I could take the piano to the range, maybe.
CrookedMan CrookedMan
1 Response May 19, 2012

Take a vacation to Switzerland or the US...<br />
If you lived near here, I kind of need an excuse to go to the gun range, I have not been in ages.<br />
It would be considerably cheaper, though, to get hold of some explosive to simply blow the piano up...And while I might or might not know someone for that I'm not going to get him in trouble, so you'd have to find it on your own.<br />
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There was a Texas hurling society that made medieval siege weapons...their trebuchet ( I believe) was big enough to throw used toilets....<br />
<br />
You know, there is NO law to my knowledge against, large, wheeled, privately-owned working medieval-design siege engines in England...<br />
(Feche la vache! Feche la Vache!)