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Considering...

a few people havent believed me, then Im guessing its in some ways unbelievable.

 

I got talking about my life during group therapy this morning. Most of the members are in there late twenties, up to early forties, and I thinks ome of them might have thought I wasnt as valid due to my age, and relative inexperience. Until I told them the things that have happened.

 

I dont know how I feel about most of these events. Some dont plague me as much as they probably should, some moreso. I dont think Im strong to have gotten here, it wasnt by choice, and i did it kicking and screaming.

 

my mam has manic depression. my childhood was spent looking after her; holding her when she cried, cooking and cleaning when she couldnt, making sure she didnt do anythign too drastic when high or low, giving her her pills every day, hding razors, calling ambulances, checking for cuts.

 

my dad was an alcohol. he was around for a year then away for a year oevr and over. he was easy to deal with. let him know you love him (So he doesnt cry), succeed at everything (So he doesnt get mad), provide alcohol (because god forbid he could get sober) and make sure he was ok.... clean up his sick and **** and try and make sure he doesnt upset mam too much.

 

i guess this has more of an impact than i thought; when i was 6 my mam came into my room and told me to pack everything i could. dad was asleep and we were going. we lived in germany for a year after that night. when i came back everything had changed. it affects me. i dunno how or why but it does

 

i was then badly bullied at school. sounds like a little thing but it destroyed me. i remember feeling fat at age 8. i wasnt at all.... i dropped out in year 6 because the school werent doing anything about it. came back for my 11+ exams, got a 1A. still a straight A student.

 

at 12 i was raped. i had an abortion. didnt tell anyone apart from my mother who didnt believe me and made me apologise.

 

went to a catholic convent school where i was routinely tortured by girls in burberry and nuns.

 

had a boyfriend when i was 13 who would put cigerettes out on me. that hurt.

had a gilfriend when i was 14 who was crazy. really really crazy

had a boyfirned when i was 15 for a year who had anorexia. i helpd him get better. i got a text saying he coudlnt do it any more and that was the end of that

 

had another boyfriend for two years when i was 16. was ok until i couldnt do it any more and he tried to kill himself when we broke up. ouch.

 

i have a little brother and a sister. niether lived long enough for me to even hold them.

 

i have another brother i met once, from my dads new marriage. that was the last time i saw my dad. im starting to think he might be dead.

 

when i was 14 i was admitted to hospital weighing 6st12. that was the first of many trips related to self harm, depression, eating, overdosing, and now personality disorders.

 

 

some of them arent that big. but **** builds up sometimes.

 

oh, and my body hates me.

Tesse Tesse 18-21, F 15 Responses Nov 4, 2008

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http://psychcentral.com/lib/2007/symptoms-of-borderline-personality-disorder/



that explains it the best i have ever seen. apart from i dont have the anger issues, more mild fustration. and i experience non-delusional paranoia, probably the worst part as it leads to so many more issues.

The fact it runs in families it really should be understood most who have the condition are not agressive unfortunetly my ex was thats why he killed himself because he was racked with guilt for the harm he'd done I have never blamed him it wasn't him

its a reasonably new diagnosis.... like Manic Depression in the 60's, and there are still so many myths about that....

It will come with time, Catwill, as long as people like us keep making others aware that it does exist, it is a real problem, it is a genuine mental illness, and it does take lives.

Psychiatrists also need to be better informed. Through this therapy course Im doing ive met around 15 people with personality disorders, all of us have been overlooked by psychiatrists as attention seekers.

People with personality disorders are constantly torchered by their illness and the general public are afraid why can't the press show the truth

I think it did Mello.... sometimes its nice to admit you've been through a lot, it makes me feel a bit less guilty or crazy for being this messed up over it all.



Any maybe someone will read it and see that im still here, and try and stick around too. :)

Did you find sharing all that with the group helped? I do hope so. I hope they ccn help you come to terms with all of this.

Oh man....I admire those people who have been thorugh a lot and come out and become someone for us to look up to and admire. I didn't even go through any of what's on this list....and i don't think I could've endured any of it as you guys have.

its people like youm, who provide awareness and acceptance, that make people like me able to get better.

there is so little information or support surrounding personality disorders, and so often its put down to attention seeking, when its really not, its desperation. good luck with your work, im sure it will save many people :)

Well its a good goal I want to improve awareness so people are not so afraid

Im so sorry to hear of your loss.... I cant imagine what that must have been like... Thats why Im determined to fix this, to save myself.... Ive come too close too many times, I cant go back there, this cant end here. I have to get better. No two ways about it.

My ex was suffering from multiple personallity disorder he commited suiside may 9 2007 I still miss him

Im working on it :)

Ive been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, and I have a place in a Personality Disorder Network, in a Therapeutic Community. Heres hoping I can work through this :)

We've both had a **** life I have put on my confessions but I hid my name I hope your life gets better mine is better now

if you were to ask me the things that define me, few of them are on this list.

things that define me are my beliefs, things im passionate about, veganism, anarchy, human and animal rights, music, being outside, **** like that.



this stuff just catches up with me.



my body probably hates me for things ive done to it, but its always been generally broken. my chest has been ****** since i was born, i spent a lot of time in hospital when i was younger going for various tests because i had fluid on my lungs when i was born and they thought i had neurofybromitosis (i know i probably spelt that wrong!). i have bad joints that tend to fall out all the time, and ive ****** up my back and knees horse riding. gar!

Hm. I grew up in a crazy family and was bullied, too. And I was raped and got pregnant at age 11...no first period for me, it was a first miscarriage! I didn't tell anyone because I would have been blamed and punished for it, too.



I survived it and outlived everybody: I decided that they don't define me, *I* define me. When I did that, the depression went away (it wasn't "mine" - it was a reaction to trying to be something I wasn't). That was years ago. I had health issues after that from long-term stress to deal with, but that, too, could be done.



Your body doesn't hate you. It's trying to tell you that you're off-track somehow, and it has a very limited vocabulary. If you can love yourself and begin to nurture yourself and show your body some affection - moisturizer, a lovely bath, a massage...whatever feels right...and feed it what it needs to be healthy while you do the same for your soul, the two will start to come back together and then that's kind of like being reborn.



I hope this perspective helps. I know I make it sound easy because I've already gotten through it, but I fully appreciate that it isn't easy and it takes courage.



I believe the **** you've been through, but I also believe it doesn't define you.



Blessings to you.