a few people havent believed me, then Im guessing its in some ways unbelievable.
I got talking about my life during group therapy this morning. Most of the members are in there late twenties, up to early forties, and I thinks ome of them might have thought I wasnt as valid due to my age, and relative inexperience. Until I told them the things that have happened.
I dont know how I feel about most of these events. Some dont plague me as much as they probably should, some moreso. I dont think Im strong to have gotten here, it wasnt by choice, and i did it kicking and screaming.
my mam has manic depression. my childhood was spent looking after her; holding her when she cried, cooking and cleaning when she couldnt, making sure she didnt do anythign too drastic when high or low, giving her her pills every day, hding razors, calling ambulances, checking for cuts.
my dad was an alcohol. he was around for a year then away for a year oevr and over. he was easy to deal with. let him know you love him (So he doesnt cry), succeed at everything (So he doesnt get mad), provide alcohol (because god forbid he could get sober) and make sure he was ok.... clean up his sick and **** and try and make sure he doesnt upset mam too much.
i guess this has more of an impact than i thought; when i was 6 my mam came into my room and told me to pack everything i could. dad was asleep and we were going. we lived in germany for a year after that night. when i came back everything had changed. it affects me. i dunno how or why but it does
i was then badly bullied at school. sounds like a little thing but it destroyed me. i remember feeling fat at age 8. i wasnt at all.... i dropped out in year 6 because the school werent doing anything about it. came back for my 11+ exams, got a 1A. still a straight A student.
at 12 i was raped. i had an abortion. didnt tell anyone apart from my mother who didnt believe me and made me apologise.
went to a catholic convent school where i was routinely tortured by girls in burberry and nuns.
had a boyfriend when i was 13 who would put cigerettes out on me. that hurt.
had a gilfriend when i was 14 who was crazy. really really crazy
had a boyfirned when i was 15 for a year who had anorexia. i helpd him get better. i got a text saying he coudlnt do it any more and that was the end of that
had another boyfriend for two years when i was 16. was ok until i couldnt do it any more and he tried to kill himself when we broke up. ouch.
i have a little brother and a sister. niether lived long enough for me to even hold them.
i have another brother i met once, from my dads new marriage. that was the last time i saw my dad. im starting to think he might be dead.
when i was 14 i was admitted to hospital weighing 6st12. that was the first of many trips related to self harm, depression, eating, overdosing, and now personality disorders.
some of them arent that big. but **** builds up sometimes.
oh, and my body hates me.