At school people tell a joke and everyone laughs but I don't. Then they say something no one laughs at but me. Awkward! But it's me and I'm fine with that.
Last week my daughter's credit card got stolen.
It was such a relief to see that the thief spends far less than my daughter does!
I hate it when people see me in the supermarket and they say things like 'Hey, what are you doing here?'
Now I just tell them ' Well you know.. hunting lions, tigers and bears.'
He grabbed my hand and held it tightly.
I thought, "My baby loves me!" *Big Grin*
His thought was, "Damn this sidewalk is icy!"
I could never understand what bothered my husband. I mean I used to bring him coffee in bed every morning. All he had to do was grind it....
Give a man a fish and he will have food for one day.
Now if you teach him to catch fish, he will spend the whole damn day at the lake drinking beer.
I keep telling myself that life always offers me a second chance.
It's called tomorrow.....
My wife asked me the other day, "At your age, what would you prefer to get - Parkinson's or Alzheimer's?"
I answered, "Definitely Parkinson's.
Better to spill half an ounce of...
I know that the voices in my head are just not real. But to tell you the truth, sometimes their ideas are just totally awesome!!
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I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age...
A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa...
Winnie the Pooh and his friends when they're going through the desert:
Tigger: "water! Water!"
Pooh: "Honey! Honey!"
What are you wearing, Jake from state farm?
Uh, khakis. :p
Yes I bought khakis just to make this joke! I have to entertain myself somehow!
A man in London walked into the produce section of his local Tesco supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.. The boy working in that department told him that they only...
....I laugh when people get hurt. Like, saw a kid fall off a bike recently and I couldn't help it...