At school people tell a joke and everyone laughs but I don't. Then they say something no one laughs at but me. Awkward! But it's me and I'm fine with that.
Last week my daughter's credit card got stolen.
It was such a relief to see that the thief spends far less than my daughter does!
I hate it when people see me in the supermarket and they say things like 'Hey, what are you doing here?'
Now I just tell them ' Well you know.. hunting lions, tigers and bears.'
He grabbed my hand and held it tightly.
I thought, "My baby loves me!" *Big Grin*
His thought was, "Damn this sidewalk is icy!"
I could never understand what bothered my husband. I mean I used to bring him coffee in bed every morning. All he had to do was grind it....
Give a man a fish and he will have food for one day.
Now if you teach him to catch fish, he will spend the whole damn day at the lake drinking beer.
I keep telling myself that life always offers me a second chance.
It's called tomorrow.....
My wife asked me the other day, "At your age, what would you prefer to get - Parkinson's or Alzheimer's?"
I answered, "Definitely Parkinson's.
Better to spill half an ounce of...
I know that the voices in my head are just not real. But to tell you the truth, sometimes their ideas are just totally awesome!!
We are urgently in need of kidney donors for the sum of $220,000.00 USD, contact us now on (+917411369891) or firstname.lastname@example.org
I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age...
A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa...
Winnie the Pooh and his friends when they're going through the desert:
Tigger: "water! Water!"
Pooh: "Honey! Honey!"
What are you wearing, Jake from state farm?
Uh, khakis. :p
Yes I bought khakis just to make this joke! I have to entertain myself somehow!
A man in London walked into the produce section of his local Tesco supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.. The boy working in that department told him that they only...
....I laugh when people get hurt. Like, saw a kid fall off a bike recently and I couldn't help it...